Communicate What You Need With Spouse

“I’m not sure I want a child, but it might be the only way to save my marriage,” cries Deanna, a 33-year-old sales analyst for a large pharmaceutical company. “My gynecologist says I shouldn’t wait too long to try to get pregnant, but Carter won’t tell me how he feels about having children. He’s so distant, it’s like living with a total stranger.”

Deanna admits she’s never seriously discussed the issue with Carter, her husband of five years. Unfortunately, time may not be on their side. Deanna has endometriosis, a condition in which misplaced tissue outside the uterus develops into growths and lesions in the abdomen, often causing pain, fatigue and other symptoms.

Because the disease can affect fertility, Deanna is anxious to try for a baby now. But Carter, a 35-year-old assistant district attorney, feels pressured. “My wife wants me to make the decision, and I don’t think that’s fair,” he protests. “What happens if Deanna has a baby and decides she doesn’t like motherhood? Who do you think she’ll blame then?”

When Deanna and Carter met seven years ago at a mutual friend’s dinner party, they were instantly attracted to each other. “I really admired her energy and her intelligence; I felt like I’d finally met my equal,” Carter recalls.

Their heavy workloads and late hours leave them little time for hobbies - or romance. “My wife’s sexual appetite lately has been practically nonexistent,” says Carter. “When I’m feeling amorous, she pulls away from me. It’s been at least eight months since we’ve been together. If she wants a baby, she’s going to have to show some interest in having sex.”

Her husband’s attitude frustrates Deanna. “He’s so insensitive, saying it’s my body and my responsibility,” she cries. “All he’s doing is turning his back on me and our problem. I want Carter to make up his mind, or else we might as well get a divorce.”

“Deanna and Carter must learn basic communication skills before starting a family,” says Willy A. Wiener, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and couples counselor. “A lot of couples think having a child will make things better, but in reality, it puts even more stress on a relationship.”

Though compatible intellectually, Deanna and Carter were emotionally alienated from each other. Both threw themselves into their home and their careers, avoiding serious conversations about Deanna’s health and their marriage. Before they could become good parents, they needed to focus on building a loving foundation for their relationship.

During their sessions, Deanna admitted that she had been reluctant to have sex because her endometriosis made intercourse painful. The anger and resentment she felt toward Carter further dampened her sexual desire. For his part, Carter confessed that he did seem to be putting more effort into his career than his marriage.

When Deanna and Carter accepted that open communication was much more pleasant and effective than uncomfortable silences, they could think about making major decisions together. After about six months of weekly sessions, the excited couple decided to try starting a family on their own before consulting a fertility specialist. The two also eased up on their work hours and made more of an effort to relax and enjoy their spare time. They go on “date nights” twice a week to further connect as a couple. Now that their marriage is more loving and stable, they’re confident they’ll be ready for parenthood.

If you and your partner are experiencing a breakdown in communication, try these techniques suggested by Wiener:

Mirror aloud what your spouse says. For example, repeating, “It annoys you when I dominate a conversation” or “You feel neglected when I work late,” allows you to hear and fully process your partner’s point of view.

When expressing yourself, use “I” rather than “you” statements, which can sound accusatory. Say, “I need you to pay more attention to me,” instead of “You never listen,” or “I’d like to hear your feelings about starting a family,” rather than “You’re dumping this decision on my shoulders.”

Create a list, either individually or as a twosome, to clarify issues, strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Ask questions like: Why are we together? What common interests do we still share? What keeps our relationship alive, and what could improve it?

Schedule time for recreational activities with your spouse. Taking a mental vacation from everyday stress will help you enjoy each other fully.