Cheap Seats

For whom the Belle tolls

Albert Belle, the Baltimore Orioles slugger who refuses to talk with the media, has started moonlighting as a columnist for a new newspaper, the Baltimore Press.

“Does Belle’s new job permit him to talk to himself?” asks the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “And if he is brave enough to ask himself a question … will he answer or just walk away?”

Oh, I wish I were an …

It’s not unusual for starting players who land on the disabled list to go batty trying to find ways to spend their time while injured. Pittsburgh shortstop Pat Meares, on the DL since May 12 after surgery to his left hand, is no exception, though he has discovered some rather creative things to do.

Meares served as the television analyst for the Pirates’ three-game series in Detroit June 7-9. During Pittsburgh’s last road trip, he took his shirt off and caught some rays while tanning himself on the upper deck at Veterans Stadium, while his teammates played Philadelphia.

A few days later, though, Meares topped it all by dressing as a bratwurst and racing around the bases against an Italian sausage and a hot dog at Milwaukee’s County Stadium. He won, by the way.

“I’m just trying to stay sane and off the FBI’s most wanted list,” Meares said.

And now a word from the detractors

Amid the countless falling-all-over-themselves positive tributes from the media about the Women’s World Cup and the success of the U.S. team comes word that not every journalist is flowing with praise. Surprising, huh?

So, in the interest of reporting both sides of a story, comes the cynical viewpoint.

“If the United States wins, Mia Hamm and friends will collect $12,500,” Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune wrote before Saturday’s victory over China in the championship match at the Rose Bowl. “Compare that with the U.S. men’s team that pocketed an astounding $35,000 each for losing all three first-round games, including the stinker to Iran.

“That’s way unfair. Women deserve equal pay for equal boredom.”

Turns out the bonuses for the women were increased to $50,000, which boosted them past that bunch of losers.

You want ratings? Show football

Chicago Tribune TV columnist Ed Sherman: “What does it mean that ESPN averages 2.3 million women’s viewers for its NFL games and 1.6 million women tuned in to the U.S.-Brazil World Cup semifinal? It means that even though Mia Hamm and Co. are a good story, their game is still soccer.”

What would Lord Stanley think?

Mystery has surrounded how the 106-year-old Stanley Cup got badly dinged after the Dallas Stars got their hands on it, but Vinnie Paul, drummer for the Dallas-area rock band Pantera, says he knows.

“It really got dented when Guy Carbonneau threw it off my balcony into my pool,” Paul said, referring to the Stars’ 39-year-old center. Carbonneau did not make a clean shot, Paul told the Texas Journal. “It’s his fault, Mr. Hockey himself.”

The last word …

“In their all-star game, if they make a mistake they call it an `error.’ In our all-star game, if you make a mistake they call it a `big wreck.”’

-NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield.