Beware Of Big Project
It starts with a seemingly innocent statement wedged between the second cup of coffee and the sports page. Something like, “Honey, I’ve been thinking about the lawn.”
Uh-oh. My ruckus radar is signaling an incoming dump truck.
That’s right. It’s “Big Project” time, the chance to whip our houses, lawns and significant others into a frothing lather of chaos, cleverly disguised as home improvement.
Well, it does improve our chances of going berserk while practicing our respective gender disorders. And there’s a definite method in this madness, as reliable as weeds.
The Big Project begins with the Major Survey. Sunlight is absolutely mandatory for these expeditions. After all, if you can’t see what’s wrong with something, you can hardly fix it. That’s why spring and summer are the designated Big Project seasons.
The Major Survey, as the name implies, must be undertaken with the proper amount of solemnity. Old boots, the kind that say “I have logged entire forests” are required footgear for this venture. The ability to murmur a pensive “Hmmmm” at the sight of fairy rings and dry rot is also essential.
A fresh notepad, a fully loaded pen and a serious squint are other important accessories. (The squint is for estimating how many cubic tons of a specific something is needed to right the blight of your particular sorry state.)
After a thorough inspection of the problem area, the Grand Plan can be devised and executed. If you’re lucky, the gargantuan demands of this phase, along with the seductive power of doing nothing, will grind the Big Project to a halt.
Otherwise, you’ll be reduced to collecting piles of advertising inserts from hardware stores. All of these inserts are of vital importance and should not be discarded until they have been thoroughly studied or until Christmas Day. Whichever comes first.
Armed with inserts and other research material, you can move smoothly on your way to the next phase: the Right Tool. This phase, in itself, can become your life’s work. Sort of like the Sistine Chapel, only you’ll never actually find the right paintbrush. You will, however, have a splendid time shopping for it.
A critical part of the Right Tool phase is deciding whether you’re going to do the Big Project yourself or if you’ll hire it out. Do-it-yourself projects appeal to our rugged Western individualism and cost slightly less than major dental work. However, hiring someone else to do the job is always recommended.
Oh sure, maybe you’ll pay more (OK, way more). And maybe you’ll be fossilized before they complete the job. But these small annoyances pale beside the comfort of knowing you’ll always have somebody else to blame for the next stage, Pandemonium.
This is the phase where the old adage, “measure twice, cut once” originated. Except nobody you personally hire will ever have heard this bit of wisdom.
If your Big Project includes new appliances or fixtures, whatever you order will have to be shipped from Saskatoon. It will arrive broken and in the wrong color the same day the contractors drop the upstairs bathtub through the living room ceiling.
If it’s an outdoors project, no worries. Nobody you’ve contacted to work on the Big Project will ever show up. Vexing, but much less expensive and messy than if they had.
In the event you are doing the Big Project on your own, you’ll save yourself a lot of grief by regarding all but your most horrendous mistakes as “close enough for government work.” My father-in-law has rescued me countless times from the pits of renovator’s hell with just this simple phrase.
Finally, you’ll progress to the last stage of the Big Project. (No, not completion.)
There will be telltale signs. The new sprinkler heads will be chewed to a pulp by the family dog. The new refrigerator will have spoiled lettuce festering in the crisper. Your daughter, who was 6 when the project began, will be engaged to the contractor’s son.
That, or Christmas Day. Whichever comes first.