Try Reconnecting With Distant Spouse

“My husband just confessed to sleeping with a number of women - including my best friend, Josie!” says Teresa, 38. “How could he do this to me? Josie has been a stylist in our hair salon since Vince and I opened it 10 years ago. She was a valuable employee - and I thought she was my friend. I told her things I couldn’t share with Vince. Now I feel totally used by both of them!”

It was Josie herself who broke the news. “One afternoon, we went to a coffee shop after work, and Josie said she’d been having an affair with Vince for the past year,” Teresa recalls… .

Vince, 40, swears that he never meant to hurt his wife. “I don’t know a guy who hasn’t been tempted to cheat,” he says. “I felt terrible when Teresa confronted me about Josie, yet in some ways it was a relief to confess everything. I got married too young; I never got a chance to be on my own. I need my freedom.”

When they were introduced 19 years ago through family friends, Teresa was getting her associate’s degree and Vince was on a brief leave from the Navy.

“I had a rough childhood,” he says. “By the time I was 14, I was having sex and drinking heavily. I tried to hide my street life from my father, but he found out anyway.” “Vince was quite the charmer and my first lover,” says Teresa. “I fell in love with his strength and knew he could be whatever he wanted.”

For several months, they wrote and dated whenever they could see each other. Though they tried to be careful, Teresa unexpectedly became pregnant. Vince got a discharge from the service, returned home right away and married her. The two moved in with her parents, and their daughter Toni was born soon after Teresa finished school.

Vince apprenticed in his grandfather’s barbershop and took a course in cosmetology. When his grandfather retired, he and Teresa turned it into a successful hair and nail salon. Their second daughter was born when Toni was 2. Five years later, Teresa miscarried a third baby and decided to take a break from her demanding work schedule. That’s when she noticed a change in her husband.

“I’ve given my life to this man and supported him when no one else believed in him, and this is how I’m treated,” she says. “I still love him, but I ache when I think how he used me.”

Vince ended his relationship. Though he’s not ready to end his marriage, he says he doesn’t feel respected by Teresa anymore. “I’m grateful for all she’s done for me, but she always thinks that she’s smarter than me. The women I’ve seen aren’t nearly as attractive or intelligent as my wife, but they look up to me. Now Teresa won’t forgive me, and I don’t know what else to do. I need some space, but I don’t want to lose my wife and daughters.”

“Vince really does love Teresa, but he brings other women into the picture because it’s easier than reconnecting with his wife,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., a marital therapist and author of “Adultery, The Forgivable Sin” (Hastings House, 1994).

Weil adds that the couple has become detached over the years - a common problem with spouses who have passed the “honeymoon period” of the marriage in which attention and affection comes naturally.

Although Vince continues to live with his brother for now, he and Teresa are much more open with each other. She gives him the attention and positive reinforcement he craves, and he has vowed never to stray again. They’re dating again and rediscovering the affection they once knew. Teresa is hopeful that Vince will move back home in a month or so, but for now, she’s gratified they’re both moving toward change.

Many couples become detached from each other during the course of their marriage. Here are some tips from Weil on how to reconnect:

Sign a “commitment contract” agreeing to work on the marriage together. State what each wants from the relationship, and what you each must do to stay close.

Sit down on a regular basis and tell each other what you really want. Listen without arguing, and make every effort to fulfill your partner’s requests.

Couples often stop dating after marriage, which is unfortunate - sharing activities and having fun is essential to staying connected.

Take time-outs when you need to. No couple needs to be together every minute of every day.