Back In Circulation After A Committed Relationship Breaks Up, It Takes Time Before Romantic Feelings Surface Again

After two separations, the last one being 18 months in duration and leading up to the long-awaited final court date, I’m finally allowing myself to admit that perhaps I will not remain single and chaste for the rest of my natural days. I’m about ready to come out of the closet.

The drawn-out agony of a divorce has got to be helping the critical shortage of priests and nuns that the Roman Catholic church has been suffering of late. The very idea of pairing up with someone for a long-term relationship has been unpalatable, to put it mildly. Take heart, though, you can’t jump from the frying pan into the fire. There are steps that have to be followed, with strict rules to this game.

For every human being I’ve ever known, the time period immediately following breakup of a committed relationship is the phase where you don’t notice what color their eyes are, you don’t know their last name, and no, you don’t want them to call you later in the week. That this phase mercifully doesn’t last too long for most is the most persuasive evidence of a Higher Power that I’ve seen in a long time.

After that came the hermit/recluse phase. For me it meant digging into writing, my children, my college career, a few trusted friends and rarely peeking at emotional intimacy with another. This is A Good Thing. It’s a necessary phase, one of growth and discovery, and one in which you can learn to like and trust yourself again. During this period, I was sent a poem written by a Native American elder, Oriah Mountain Dreamer. One of the lines said, “I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and like who you are in the still, quiet moments.”

In order to even contemplate partnering with another human soul in a loving relationship, the internal answer to, “Am I doing OK?” has to be, “Yes, I like who I am and I respect myself.” ‘T’ain’t so easy, though, to give that answer honestly. And you don’t really find out if you mean it or not until you’re put to the test.

Trust me, you probably won’t ever feel ready to fall in love again. There are a million very good, logical reasons why you should not allow it to happen. Comfortable, light ‘n’ easy, casual dating feels good, provides you with adult companionship, and keeps you from having to invest too much of yourself. Then one day and I promise it happens just this way, every single time you will open your front door, or look across a candlelit table, or see that familiar person walking toward you, and your breath will catch in your chest.

It’s a shattering moment with a piercing silence and an aura all its own. The foundation of self-trust and intuition will seem shaky, and you’ll suddenly question your motives for anything and everything. Am I in love because I’m too needy? Am I ready for this? What about my kids? Will we ever marry? Will I have to move? What about my job? What about his bachelor furniture? Anything that can end in a question mark will flash through your mind in that moment.

The tendency is to hyperventilate. From what I’ve seen of men, they grow funnier and more aloof. Downright entertaining. In my personal, feminine experience, the tendency is to walk around for weeks feeling like you’re going to cry at any given moment. And you do.

The fear is nearly paralyzing. Fear of rejection. Fear of saying “I love you” and not seeing a loving smile in return, of not feeling the same warmth coming back to you from you partner. Fear of a future together, and the fear of none.

I wish I could offer assurance that the coming out process will provide a safe and soft landing, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Not every person you love is going to love you in return. Yes, that hurts, most certainly. Just remember that you are not going to love every person who claims to love you, either. But for every coming out, you do learn to trust yourself, your feelings, your intuition, and your sense of self even more.

When it clicks, and the two of you are in the same emotional place at the same time, the words will get said, the questions will disappear, and you’ll think to yourself, “I am doing OK.” In your partner’s eyes, you’ll see that it’s true.