Do You Hear Bells?

It has happened two Saturdays in a row.

While driving through downtown Spokane, we’ve gone past a bridal shop. And there, visible through the store windows, have been women trying on wedding dresses.

If it happens again, we’re going to make the moment complete by shouting some prenuptial advice. The bride-to-be probably won’t hear it. But at least we will have tried to help a stranger.

We’re still deciding what to say. But there’s a good chance it will be one of the following bits of wisdom.

1. “Make sure the two of you have compatible money-managing styles.”

2. “Don’t go through with it unless you are certain that he deserves you.”

3. “If he doesn’t make you laugh, call it off now.”

4. “Being cute won’t matter if you are really, really annoying.”

5. “If what you truly want is to be the star of a show, call off the wedding and try out for a part at the Civic.”

6. “If you are thinking he’ll get that `sex thing’ out of his system, guess again.”

7. “If you are writing your own vows, try to keep that part of the ceremony to under 45 minutes.”

8. “Remember, if your mother is a moron, her advice might not help.”

9. “If you don’t want to be a sitcom parody, never say that nothing is bothering you and then slam doors.”

10. “If he doesn’t listen now, he probably won’t listen in the future.”

11. “There’s a difference between helping him be the best man he can be and totally changing him.”

12. “Talking is more important than flatware patterns.”

13. “If he is incapable of apologizing or admitting he was wrong, make a run for it.”

14. “If you think every disagreement is always 100 percent his fault, delay the wedding until you’ve had a chance to grow up.”

15. “If he doesn’t like your kids, forget it.”

16. “If he doesn’t like your cats, forget it.”

17. “If you think he’s going to stop watching sports on TV, forget it.”

18. “If he wants you to get a boob job, dump him.”

19. “If he’s the only guy you’ve ever really known or if you’ve never seen him react to a pressure situation, consider waiting.”

20. “Be happy.”

* Slice it up: Ron Bush, a police officer at Spokane International Airport who works the graveyard shift, won the coupon for a free pie by being the first of many Thursday morning to correctly identify “Always” as the Spielberg movie filmed just outside Libby, Mont. He called at 5:29 a.m.

* Today’s Slice question: For your neighborhood, would it be simpler if the newspaper just published a list of residents who are not known sex offenders?