Cheap Seats
Who’s your company jerk?
Woody Paige in the Denver Post: “As we all realize, the NCAA Tournament is held annually to determine a champion - at the water cooler.
“Why is it that the company jerk who reluctantly kicks in 10 bucks and says, `I don’t follow college basketball’ always wins the $500 - and doesn’t buy a round at the bar.
“That’s because those who believe they know hoops don’t know squat. The tournament is as unpredictable as a Chinese takeout.”
Golf shoe on other foot
Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Jack Nicklaus was one of several golfers opposed to allowing Casey Martin to use a cart on the PGA Tour, but now that Nicklaus has had hip-replacement surgery, he says he may use one on the Senior Tour.
“Martin, who has a rare circulatory disease in his right leg, told CBS’ `SportsLine,’ `I just want him to play. In the back of my mind, I’m chuckling.”’
Just a little outraged
Some headlines from British papers on the Lennox Lewis-Evander Holyfield fight:
The Sun: “Crime of Century” The Star: “Punches landed: Lewis 348, Holyfield 130. Result … A draw!”
The Guardian: “And the loser is the murky world of heavyweight boxing”
Instruction manual left out
Houston Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell, like Mark McGwire, has been using androstenedione but hit 34 home runs last season, nine fewer than the previous year.
He told McGwire, “I guess in my andro, they took out the `How-to-hit-a-home run’ pamphlet inside the bottle.”
Say goodbye to your money
Minnesota general manager Kevin McHale on Stephon Marbury’s agent, David Falk, before the Timberwolves were forced to trade Marbury to the New Jersey Nets:
“When he said, `I’m going to help you,’ that’s when I knew we were in trouble. When an agent says those five words, cover your wallet and run.”
Oops
Corporate sponsorship isn’t always pretty.
The day the Tampa Bay Devil Rays ceremoniously renamed their St. Petersburg spring training home Florida Power Park, Home of Al Lang Field, the stadium experienced a power failure that prevented the Devil Rays’ lineup from being introduced.
Blame the media
Former New York Gov. Mario Cuomo: “There couldn’t be a Joe DiMaggio today. Today, they’d destroy, or at least impair, DiMaggio and Ted Williams and Joe Louis by telling stories about their tax returns and their temper tantrums.
“And the Drudge Report would come up with an old girlfriend who said she went out with all three of them.”
The last word …
“I told him to sign … or I’ll head-butt him.”
- Autograph-hungry Toronto pitcher David Wells describing a meeting with the late Joe DiMaggio.