Exasperated Smile Works Like Charm
Dear Miss Manners: What is the kindest way to deal with a person who insists upon managing one’s social life? This woman had, according to her repeated assertions, a very refined upbringing, has traveled abroad, and considers herself the sine qua non of etiquette. She is also 20 years my senior.
She has gone so far as to dictate a thank-you note for me to write to someone I do not know and have never met for a gift which was passed on to me from this same lady. Yes, you read that correctly. She received a gift, which the owner bought but could not use, passed it on to me and then expected me, in addition to writing her a thank-you note, to also write one to her donor.
I chose to ignore her blandishments and in doing so have been “reminded” several times since the nonevent.
She will not let it rest, nor will she leave any stone unturned in order to ensure my discomfort at any social function where we are both present, including, but not limited to, loudly instructing me which fork to use and where my napkin should be placed.
Till now I have chosen to simply smile and thank her for her assistance. Other than her habit of correcting everyone (I am not her only target), she can be charming, although one could not describe her as a gracious hostess. At her home, one is constantly reminded of the value of her possessions, the brilliance of her children (who seldom visit) and her abundance of male admirers.
It is impossible to avoid her. She appears (late) at every gathering, makes a grand entrance and proceeds to call attention to herself, her costume, her interpretation of the day’s events, critiques of others’ ensembles, etc. Not to invite her to any event at which I am the hostess or co-hostess would be unthinkable. It simply is not done.
Please, Miss Manners, we are stricken. What can we decently and kindly do, short of selling our home and moving to another community?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners admits to being curious about why you would be stuck with such a person. You didn’t go and do something rash, such as marrying her son, did you?
Because it would be wrong to return this rudeness with rudeness of your own, Miss Manners is obliged to suggest behavior that,- while not strictly polite, is at least not a direct affront. This is because she knows that being goaded without relief could create a greater etiquette hazard, even in a person with such kind and admirable restraint as you have shown so far.
Besides, Miss Manners has a grievance of her own against this lady. She hates it when people who enjoy making life miserable for others claim to be representing, of all things, etiquette, whose sacred mission it is to squelch such impulses.
The next time this happens, catch the eye of someone else who has been this lady’s victim and exchange a small here-we-go-again smile. In reply to whatever she says, simply repeat, as often as necessary, “You should give up on me. You know I’m hopeless. I’ll never be like you.”
Dear Miss Manners: Is it proper etiquette for the man of our family to walk 10 yards in front of the rest of us?
I am the mother; my two sons are 13 and 14. Our legs are shorter than those of my boyfriend. He is over 6 feet tall, I am 5-foot-3 and my boys are a tad bit shorter than I am. Personally, I think it is rude and disrespectful! I do not appreciate that kind of treatment from him.
Gentle reader: He is going to have to go even faster if you keep snapping at his heels like that, Miss Manners is afraid. The problem is not that he is short of respect but that he is long of leg.
Won’t you give him a chance to catch up? It takes years to teach tall people that short people have a hard time keeping up. It happens when they figure out why they aren’t getting answers to their questions and notice that their companions are a block and a half behind.