Cold? Throw A Keanu Performance On The Fire
What with last year’s “The Matrix” and now “The Replacements,” the latter of which is available this week for home entertainment, Keanu Reeves finally has reached his Peter Principle level of acting.
And so we now institute the Ted “Theodore” Logan acting award for light-comedy-mixed-with-a-menu-of-action-oriented-grimaces. And Reeves is our inaugural winner.
As Shane Falco, the cannon-armed quarterback with Fred Astaire feet (see capsule review of “The Replacements” below), Reeves brings a whole new level of presence to the screen. Once again, he proves that there’s no reason to be ashamed of acting in a manner best described by an adjective related to tree products.
If that reference is a little too arcane, think of the last name of a former UCLA basketball coaching great. (Still can’t guess it? Skip to the next item.)
In fact, we think Keanu should, uh, branch out. He should widen his thespian horizons, maybe advise his handlers to seek out directors willing to cast him in a few remakes of classics past.
In fact, given the time of year, why not holiday classics. Such as …
* “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946): Imagine Keanu in Jimmy Stewart’s role, reaching into his pocket and finding Zuzu’s petals. He furrows his brow, then brightens. His smile is infectious as he blurts out his signature line: “Excellent!”
* “A Christmas Carol” (1951): Keanu steps in for Alastair Sim, arguably the best Scrooge of them all, and finds himself face to face with his deceased former partner, Jacob Marley. He furrows his brow and his voice takes on a baritone resonance as he mutters, “Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.”
* “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947): Always a fan of George Seaton’s touching original, Keanu insists on gaining 50 pounds and burying himself under a ton of makeup so that he can resemble Edmund Gwenn. Like Gwenn, he, too, insists that he is Santa Claus. It’s only natural that when the young Natalie Wood look-alike asks him a history question, “Who was Joan of Arc?” he should furrow his brow, smile infectiously and say, “Noah’s wife? Ho ho ho.”
* “A Christmas Story” (1983): In the original adaptation of Jean Shepherd’s childhood memories, Darren McGavin plays the dad. Too old and big to play Ralphy, even given the miracles of modern makeup, Keanu takes over for McGavin, storming through the house, cursing the furnace and the neighbors, and yet finally helping the whole family understand the real meaning of Christmas. Sitting before the Christmas tree, the room filled with the detritus of opened presents, Keanu furrows his brow and says, sonorously, “All we are is dust in the wind, dude.”
* “White Christmas” (1954): He could play Bing Crosby. He could play Danny Kaye. Given the miracles of modern makeup, he could play even Rosemary Clooney. But Keanu opts for the role of Gen. Waverly, originally played by Dean Jagger, an actor whose emotive abilities most resemble his own. And he proves up to the task. As it becomes clear that Bing’s impromptu show will save his winter-haven hotel, Keanu unfurrows his brow (which is more than Jagger ever succeeded in doing), smiles infectiously and thanks his lucky stars.
“Whoa,” he says.
And Keanu’s acting style?
Wooden.
Hasta la vista, VHS
Though you’ll find “The Replacements” and “The In Crowd” (see below) available to rent in VHS and DVD formats, both are for sale only in DVD. Expect the VHS release a few weeks down the line.
In any event, it’s fairly obvious where the home-entertainment market is heading.
The week’s major home-entertainment releases:
The Replacements
***
When the NFL owners and players can’t agree on a contract, the way is opened for a variety of has-beens and never-wases to make a professional football debut as replacement players. Director Howard Deutch (“Grumpier Old Men”) is merely a journeyman filmmaker, but he makes the best of a good cast headlined by Gene Hackman as the veteran coach and Keanu Reeves as the new quarterback. And if nothing else, Deutch’s action scenes are far better than what Oliver Stone managed to shoot in his pretentious football study “Any Given Sunday.” (VHS, DVD) Rated PG-13.
The In Crowd
*
Take an early “Beverly Hills, 90210” episode, mix in a bit of psycho-killer plotting, cast several “Baywatch” castoffs, set the whole thing in an exclusive summer resort, and you have “The In Crowd,” a truly lame excuse for a thriller. What passes for a plot has a troubled young woman (Lori Heuring), on probation, going to work among the indolent, the leader of whom (Susan Ward) has more claws than a litter of tiger kitties. (VHS, DVD) Rated PG-13.