Respond Kindly To These Gestures

Dear Miss Manners: I am a woman who works in a modern, high-rise office building. There are certain “old-fashioned” principles of etiquette that strike me as inappropriate and downright silly in this environment. I’m referring, in particular, to the “Ladies First” rule.

As I approach my building’s revolving door, male co-workers who are closer to the door will often step aside to let me exit first. If I arrive at the revolving door first, I expect to go first and, therefore, to do the pushing that revolves the door for anyone behind me. However, the gentleman’s chivalry is backfiring if he thinks he’s doing anyone a favor by letting him/her go first through a revolving door.

Another example is elevator protocol. At the end of the workday, I have often found myself at the back of a crowded elevator in which all of the other passengers are men, and we are all exiting at the ground floor. When the doors open, the men press themselves conspicuously and uncomfortably against the elevator walls to allow the woman at the back to exit first.

I find this embarrassing, condescending and incredibly inappropriate. It seems that the most polite thing to do in this situation is for the people in the front to exit as efficiently as possible, regardless of gender or any other irrelevant factor. This would show real consideration for all of the passengers.

My usual response when put in one of these situations is to say something like, “Thank you, but that’s not necessary.”

I’m always amazed when the response is, “Next time I’ll be sure to let the door slam behind me when I go through first.”

I would never let a door slam on anyone behind me, male or female; I expect the same courtesy from anyone else, and not just because I’m female. Do you agree that the etiquette of the modern office requires some consciousness-raising?

Gentle Reader: Yes, indeed, but the part about disregarding gender as a factor in regard to office doors and elevators (as opposed to doors and elevators in social life, where gender is a relevant factor) is the least of it.

Miss Manners agrees that this is proper procedure for workplace behavior. But she considers it more urgent to raise your consciousness about treating obviously well-meant, conventional, trivial gestures of politeness as if they were insults. That is not only ruder, but, as you have observed, causes greater damage to the cause of civility.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend (we are both widows) who feels she has to repay me for every little thing I do for her. I was raised to do things for people just for the joy or pleasure of doing it, not for repayment.

She’s given me a crocheted king-sized throw, numerous pieces of costume jewelry, and cards for each and every occasion. I haven’t reciprocated because I don’t want to play that game.

I finally wrote her a thank-you letter to explain my thinking. I sold my home and have simplified my life. I don’t need more things, even though they’re well meant. I told her to give to the poor if she feels compelled to give. Was I an ingrate, or do you agree I’m right?

Gentle Reader: An ingrate. Your friend is only trying to uphold her part of the friendship by showing her appreciation for yours. Miss Manners suggests you give to the poor if you feel compelled to get rid of presents from your friends.