If Proposal Is Rejected, Bow Gracefully

Dear Miss Manners: About 50 members of my family will be having a reunion next summer. Perhaps one-third of them are zealous, right-wing religious people. I am not, and actually am an atheist.

We’ll be using an outdoor pavilion and park for our meals and I strongly suspect that one of the religious members of the family will suggest a prayer before the picnic. I think that most - if not all - of the family members who are not religious would be inclined to simply shrug and bear with it.

I don’t feel that way: I am put off by prayers in schools, at high school graduations and at ballparks. I know that the reason it’s upsetting to me is that it bothers me that the religious right don’t find it sufficient to live in a country that totally supports their rights, but instead wants to impose religious observances on everyone else. I think they should respect the feelings of the minority.

I don’t want to create a donnybrook, but I really am very offended that prayers would be offered without checking the sensibilities of the whole family. Is there any way to get this across without causing a scene? I’ve been thinking that perhaps if a prayer is suggested that I could suggest in return a “moment of silence.”

Or should I be making this suggestion in advance? I think (but I’m not positive) that I could gently suggest to those most likely to want to offer prayers that it would be more inclusive to have a moment of silence - and not have any tension result.

Gentle Reader: By all means, check the sensibilities of the family on anything that might otherwise lead to a donnybrook. In planning family reunions, the last things to be counted on are shared opinions and the ability to rise above serious or petty differences.

Miss Manners believes your proposal would have the best chance if embedded in queries about other arrangements. A questionnaire about mealtimes could ask for allergies and other restrictions and preferences, preferred times, and “In view of the range of religious observance among us, how would you feel about having a moment of silence before meals?”

It is possible that many will think this is the alternative to no prelude at all, so you may even get a few religious votes. But if a majority opposes this - and many may feel that respectful nonparticipation in prayer is a sufficient mark of dissent - Miss Manners expects you to bow gracefully - but only to their opinion.

Dear Miss Manners: My father states it is proper etiquette to have the husband’s name listed first on a return address label. My feeling is that there is no right or wrong, and that it is up to the couple to decide.

Gentle Reader: That gentlemen appear first in the traditional designation of a married couple, Mr. and Mrs., should not be allowed to go to their heads. Given the choice whenever other forms are used, the lady’s name appears first.

Your father’s error notwithstanding, Miss Manners congratulates him on ordering his labels, rather than fishing them out of his junk mail like everyone else.

Dear Miss Manners: I’m sure we’re all in agreement regarding the outstanding rudeness of telemarketing, but a minister in this area uses it for making announcements with recorded messages to the congregation. At times errors are made on the machine, and we will be awakened in the middle of the night. We would appreciate knowing how this could be brought to the minister’s attention.

Gentle Reader: Just a guess, but Miss Manners suspects that your minister would be less likely than a telemarketer to snap back at you that he’s entitled to make a living and lots of people are grateful to get his calls at any time.

Another safe guess is that he would be grateful for an offer to transmit his messages for him at a time and using a method that would not disturb anyone.