Heirloom Would Bring Up The Past

Dear Miss Manners: Three years ago I was engaged to a wonderful young lady. I was a senior at one university and she was a junior at another. During our engagement, she met and fell in love with someone else. She called off the engagement and returned the ring to me.

I have kept it since, as it is a family heirloom. We know it has been in my family for more than 200 years and at least five marriages.

I am now preparing to propose to my current girlfriend. I have purchased a ring because I think it wrong to reuse the ring I gave to my previous fiancee. My mother and sister disagree. They think that my new girlfriend should have the ring out of tradition should she agree to marry me.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners would agree with them if only you had not misplaced the word “wonderful.”

Had you said it of your intended, rather than the lady who jilted you, Miss Manners would have urged you to consider the past episode a mistake and rejoice that the heirloom can now be given to its rightful possessor.

But as you have only the adjective “new” to bestow on that lady, perhaps you are right about not giving her a ring that makes you dwell on the past. Or any other ring, for that matter.

Dear Miss Manners: I am writing in hopes that this message will reach my relatives and anyone who may be considering this action.

My father passed away a couple of months ago after a long and brave battle with cancer. My immediate family saw a once vibrant man struggle each day with the disease. He died proudly with each of us at his bedside.

Many of our relatives came from out of town and, as with any funeral, there were inappropriate comments, etc. However, we had one cousin (my father’s nephew) who, wearing a camera around his neck like he was on vacation, took pictures of everyone. Several times, members of the family requested that he stop taking pictures.

Less than a month after my father’s death, he sent my mother a video of the entire funeral (with all the details). My mother viewed the tape alone, and needless to say, it was a mistake. I live in another city and was not able to intercept the video.

Maybe this is the way of the future, but certainly consideration and respect should not be outdated. At a minimum, my cousin should have told us about the video, asked if we wanted to have a copy and waited a respectable period of time before presenting it to the family.

I haven’t seen the tape and don’t want to relive one of the most painful events of our family’s life. At least, not now. Please tell your readers to have some respect for the feelings of others.

Gentle Reader: It wouldn’t help. People who think of life - and in this case, death - as a photo opportunity will only ascribe to others their feeling that the souvenir of an event is more meaningful than the event itself.

For this reason, Miss Manners finds it safer not to consult their own feelings but just to tell them to cut it out. A discreet taping of the eulogies is about the limit for a funeral, and only then with the consent of the immediately bereaved.