No ‘Witch’ Will Cast Spell This Time

Let me tell you clearly and concisely (with only occasional parenthetical digressions) why I refuse to go see “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.”

I saw the original “Blair Witch Project,” and it ruined the outdoors for me for an entire year. My evening outings to fish the Spokane River went from idyllic meditations on the beauty of nature to heart-pounding, terrifying, thrashing escapes from the snare of a Nameless Evil, even though, nine times out of 10, it turned out that the Nameless Evil was named “Orvis.” (I had merely entangled myself in my own fly line.)

Nevertheless, this idiotic movie scared me so severely that even my daily strolls in the nearby woods began to take on a sinister tone. These woods are not exactly gloomy, bog-riddled primeval wastelands. These woods are bright and park-like, suitable for afternoon reveries. I honestly don’t believe that an evil “witch” would bide its time dodging mountain-bikers, dog-walkers and Sunday strollers just to spring a deadly trap on me as I’m out for my daily constitutional. (A daily “constitutional” being every American’s right.)

However, I do believe that this half-witted movie has given every prankster in America the perfect setup for scaring the stuffing out of their friends as they walk innocently through sun-dappled woodlands. What I’m saying is that I wouldn’t put it past some of my friends to hatch a practical joke. They might tie together a bunch of twigs, leave them on the trail, lie in wait, and then jump out at me in “Blair Witch” fashion. (Yes, I do indeed have these kinds of friends.) (One of them is named Doug Clark.)

Sure, it would be only a pretend witch attack, not a real witch attack, but it could result in a genuine heart attack. (Or it could result in an embarrassing condition clinically known as “scared spitless.”)

So this sadistic little movie has forced me to spend my woodland walks pondering these chilling scenarios instead of doing what a man ought to be doing in the woods: Listening for the call of the Northern three-toed sapsucker. (The bird, not the late-night cable movie.)

In my paranoid “Blair Witch” frame of mind, every little thing seemed sinister. Once, I was striding resolutely through the forest at dusk, pondering the beauty of the leaves, the bracing air and the complete lack of sapsuckers. As I peered down the trail, I saw something … hanging … ominously … from a branch right over the trail. In the gloom of twilight, I couldn’t tell what it was. It appeared to be dark in color and about the size of a soccer ball. (Or about the size of a severed head.)

With all of the courage I could muster, I kept going toward it, alarmed yet curious. When I finally got under it, I discovered that it was a Weber “Smokey Joe” portable barbecue kettle. (I know that sounds unlikely, but I am not imaginative enough to make THAT up.)

Now, if it hadn’t been for that stupid movie, I would have merely laughed lightheartedly and said, “Of all the wacky things a miniature barbecue kettle! A guy never knows what kinds of nutty things he’ll find hanging from trees!”

Instead, my fevered “Blair Witch”-addled mind caused me to create this internal monologue: “What dread symbolism is this? Is my doom foretold with this dangling witch’s cauldron? Is my meat, so to speak, about to be cooked?” (I had apparently been reading too much Edgar Allan Poe at the time.)

Today, more than a year after seeing the original, I feel like I can finally start enjoying the woods again. I went on a four-day backpacking trip with my wife, Carol, and I never once believed a witch was stalking us. So you can understand why I don’t want to go see the sequel and kick-start these paranoid delusions all over again.

I want to reclaim the night, reclaim the woods, reclaim the freedom to ponder the occasional sapsucker. Also, of course, I want to go see a better movie, like “Best in Show” or “Almost Famous.”

(No, I never did find out why that Smokey Joe barbecue kettle was hanging from a branch.I half expected the sequel to be named “Blair Witch 2: The Demon Barbecue.”)