Holiday Buzz Not Good For Turkeys

The day before Thanksgiving is one of the three or four best days on the calendar.

There’s all the buzz of holiday anticipation and none of the disappointing reality.

And just think. Today is the eve of Thanksgiving Eve.

It’s almost time to choose a meat color.

* Name that town: Kerry Lynch alerted us to a fleeting Spokane reference in Sidney Sheldon’s “The Sky Is Falling.”

It’s not a flattering mention. But we won’t further spoil the moment for those who might read the book.

* Ten things to avoid saying if you have Thanksgiving dinner with someone else’s family:

1. “I don’t get it. You’re calling him `Dad,’ but you told me your father was a saxophonist who spent a week in Spokane back in 1961.”

2. “That gravy reminds me of a story I read about the proliferation of those electric-shock heart-starters.”

3. “Is that a turkey or a pigeon? Better biggie-size it.”

4. “So are you the uncle they call The Groper?”

5. “Yikes. I can see why you people would rather watch football than actually talk to one another.”

6. “So you’re kind of like Mr. Potter in that movie?”

7. “Sheesh. I’m not even sure why we celebrate this day. Those Pilgrims were a Back East group, you know.”

8. “Hey, open food here. Nobody wants to hear about your date.”

9. “All I’m saying is that voting for that liar proves you’re an idiot.”

10. “Nice implants.”

* Women Getting Dressed Department: “Mr. Slice writer: Until I read your column Thursday I didn’t realize that other women’s husbands sang to accompany their attempts to put on a pair of pantyhose,” wrote Julie from Post Falls. “My husband Joe has always sung `Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.’ (I’m not sure if those are the correct lyrics, but it is what he sings.) He also adds a little hoedown kind of arm-motion thing with it.”

And a woman in her 50s said there’s only one song that should accompany her getting-dressed gyrations: “The old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be.”

* Dave Fish wonders: “Am I the only person in Spokane who thinks `The Family Circus’ hasn’t been funny in years?” (Before addressing that, we would first have to determine whether that question is intended as a parody of The Slice.)

* Today’s Slice question: What did your feline companion do to earn the title “Top Inland Northwest Guard Cat of 2000”?