Creative Rationalization From Lazy Man’S Guild

Tue., Nov. 28, 2000

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

Shoveling walkways can make them more dangerous for pedestrians.

Snow in adjacent yards then melts, covering the sidewalks with a film of water. Then that refreezes and the pratfalls commence.

* Guard cats: Carol Voogd told of the time her cats, Jasmine and Goose, alerted her to the fact a raccoon was shredding the patio screen door. “Not that they did anything about it, but they did mention that WE might want to worry about a possible invasion.”

* Overheard by Julie Hillebrant while flying to Spokane from Utah: “The only good things about Spokane are my boyfriend and the garbage goat.”

* Slice answers (songs on the City Council Christmas album): “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Lawsuits.” - Mary K. Singer

“What Bile is This?” - Christopher Cook

* Congratulations: To retired teacher Mike Aleman, for doing Spokane proud on National Public Radio’s quiz show, “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!”

He correctly answered three questions about art.

* Winter wonderland: Tracy Shafer said she could do without seeing the frozen remains of chunky expectorations preserved on sidewalks and parking lots.

* Morning music: Libby Avnet said her getting-dressed theme would be “Song of the Volga Boatmen.”

* Two-fer Tuesday:

1. You can tell someone isn’t really familiar with “The Catcher in the Rye” when he refers to the author of that book as O.J. Salinger.

2. Waiting for the bus in predawn morning fog really gives you a chance to notice how many cars’ headlights are aimed incorrectly.

* Rejected Internet suffixes: .ugh, .yikes, .sonofa, .getitoffme, .spo.

* Memory lane: “It was Thanksgiving,” wrote Suzanne Alvarez. “The whole family was gathered around the table. The patriarch, my grandfather, got up to say the solemn blessing:

Lord of love,

look down from above

and send us knives and sickles.

So we may cut the throats

of these hungry goats

before they eat our vittles!

“The family laughed hysterically. My grandmother was horrified. We have since referred to that incident as `the day Grandpa said grace.’ “

* Today’s Slice question: What’s your family’s favorite story that has to do with changing a flat tire?

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