Here’S Why Wives Need Husbands…

The cover of this week’s Time magazine blares the timely question, “Who Needs a Husband?”

Answer: Millions don’t.

Yeah, what good are they anyway? They just get in the way of a woman’s freedom, her career, her personhood, her -

Hey, wait a minute. I am a husband. Aren’t I needed? Don’t we husbands serve any useful purpose on the planet?

Of course we do. Ladies, before you reject husbands out of hand, I can think of several uses for husbands, including the following:

* A husband can serve as a handy all-purpose excuse, as in, “Oh, I would love to spend the weekend with you and your alcoholic Aunt Bertha, but my husband wants me to take a load to the dump.”

* A husband can be a convenient escort to social functions, especially when you need someone to hold your wine glass while you hit the buffet table.

* A husband is someone to hand the phone to when a vinyl-siding solicitor calls.

* A husband will often make the tough, but correct, decisions when you don’t want the responsibility, as in, “I love this dress and it’s absolutely perfect and I will never find its like again, but it’s way too expensive and I shouldn’t buy it. I really shouldn’t buy it, should I, darling? Even though it’s 50 percent off and basically a steal?”

* A husband can offer a handy “second opinion” when dealing with your mother, as in, “Yes, Mother, I know you want to move in with us. I, personally, would be thrilled. But don’t you think we should see what Biff thinks?”

* A husband is a handy court of appeals when dealing with children, as in, “OK, we have one vote (mine) that says a 13-year-old does not need a tattoo. We have one vote (yours) in favor. Dear? Come here. We need a tie-breaker.”

* A husband is someone who will perform a valuable service in bed for you at 3:30 a.m. By that I mean, when you nudge him and say, “What’s that sound?” he will say, “It’s just raccoons. Go back to sleep.”

* During long drives, a husband is someone besides you to worry obsessively about that funny rattling noise coming from the rear end.

* A husband is a companion to walk hand in hand with on Waikiki, but more importantly, he is someone who has the extra Visa card when someone rips off your backpack.

* A husband is someone who can occasionally be talked into ordering that dish you almost ordered, so that he can go halves with you.

* A husband is someone who can say, “Oh, quit worrying. If you want the Devil-Fudge-Brownie-Dutch-Cocoa-Decadence dessert special, then order it. It won’t kill you this once.”

* A husband is someone who can get up and start the coffee brewing on Saturday morning, even though, of course, that’s your job every other day of the week.

* A husband is good for making dinner once a week or so, at least during barbecue season. It’s not much, but it’s better than nobody making you dinner at all.

* A husband is someone to call in the middle of the day when the dog knocks over the Christmas tree. He can’t do anything about it, but at least he’s someone to call.

* A husband is someone who can say, “Honey, if you’re sick, you shouldn’t go to work. You’ll just infect everybody in your office, anyway.”

* A husband is someone who can say, “So you got fired. We’ve survived on one income before.”

* A husband is someone who knows the story behind every single one of your scars, and is comfortable with them.

* A husband can be handy to have around during the retirement years, especially because so many cruise prices are based on double occupancy.

* A husband is someone who knows every single one of your faults, but loves you anyway and doesn’t mind growing old with you.

* Ladies, I’m not saying these offset the many, many disadvantages of having a husband. I’m just saying that sometimes husbands can be useful objects to have around. Try one yourself and see. You can always return him if you’re not 100 percent satisfied.