Making a wish list, recounting it twice

Can’t decide what to stuff in the stockings of political types this year? Clip ‘n’ save this handy holiday gift guide for secret Santas looking to send something more meaningful than lumps of coal to representatives elected, rejected, appointed and disappointed.

A guide to funding essential services for Spokane Mayor Jim West: After the next round of brutal cutbacks, there might not be any libraries left to lend one out.

An experienced campaign manager for any laid-off police officer, firefighter or librarian savvy enough to run for local office on a Save Our Services platform: When people finally get fed up with slash-and-burn governance, it’ll be a winning stance. Don’t believe me? Ask the voters of Montana, who just threw Republicans out of the legislature and nearly every executive office after party know-

nothings drove the state into the ground.

A week of quadriplegia for Spokane Transit Authority officials who eliminated paratransit service for more than 200 riders after voters approved bountiful new STA funding. Why don’t the transport titans kick away Tiny Tim’s crutch while they’re at it?

A slice of humble pie for Dino Rossi, to remind him he’s declared victory about a dozen times now.

A heavy Christmas fruitcake for Christine Gregoire, to remind her that substance still matters – and to give her something to fling at Libertarian spoiler Ruth Bennett if the hand recount doesn’t go her way.

Dinner with Ralph Nader and Ross Perot for Bennett. If she’s lucky, Ralph will drone Ross to sleep before the appetizers are cleared away.

A copy of the media canvass of Florida’s 2000 presidential vote – which showed Al Gore would have won only after a full recount – for state Democratic Chairman Paul Berendt. Note on the card that nobody likes a cherry-picker.

An autographed glossy of White House political wizard Karl Rove for state GOP Chairman Chris Vance, who helped Rossi execute the compassionate conservative playbook like an evil genius Mini Me.

The tasty thigh bone of a late liberal for Rossi’s dog Dubya to gnaw on.

A DVD of Disney’s “Pinocchio” for J. Vander Stoep. The head of Rossi’s transition team told the Seattle Times his candidate probably would have conceded if the machine recount had left him 42 votes behind. Right. And if there was no law against it, Jerry Falwell would marry Pat Robertson in a heartbeat.

An industrial-strength paper shredder for the state Republican party, which supports the democratic process by asking judges to stop the counting of legitimate votes.

A Prozac prescription and a bottle of cheap Scotch for chowder-headed conservative commentators such as John Fund. He called our slow-but-steady recount process a “Florida-style nightmare” in a Wall Street Journal column headlined, “Florida Northwest: Will Democrats steal the Washington governorship?” Wait, does that mean Fund believes Bush heisted the presidency in 2000?

The thanks of a grateful populace to Secretary of State Sam Reed, a Republican who could teach his partisan counterparts in Florida and Ohio a thing or two about integrity.

A garland of garlic and a giant crucifix for freshman Rep. Cathy McMorris, so she can maintain some independence from congressional werewolves Tom DeLay and Dennis Hastert. Silver bullets are optional.

And finally, an untraceable bottle of narcotics for Rush Limbaugh, an open phone-sex hotline for Bill O’Reilly and an unlimited line of casino credit for Bill Bennett, without whom we might have no moral tutors left for our children. God rest ye, merry hypocrites.