Don’t take things quite so seriously

Carolyn Hax is off for the holidays. The following are excerpts from holiday 2003 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com:

Hi Carolyn: As I approach 30, I seem to be drifting apart from my close girlfriends from college. I have been married for five years, have a house and am thinking about children in the near future. My once-close girlfriends are largely still living with their parents, and constantly nag me about no longer being “fun” – i.e., going out and partying all the time or taking group vacations to foreign countries that would be irresponsible given my desire to save for a family and other obligations (mortgage, etc.) they do not have.

It is not fun always being the one to say no and to be viewed as “old” and no longer a good friend. My view is that these girls are immature and don’t understand responsibility. Is there hope for saving these friendships, or should I cut my losses, lose the constant guilt and find people more in my own stage of life? If it’s the latter, how to graciously do so – just taper off contact? – Va.

“These girls are immature and don’t understand responsibility”? What are your friends thinking, you sound like a bag o’ giggles.

Somebody is, or somebodies are, taking everyone waaay too seriously. When they call you old, just cop to it. “Yep, I’m a hag. Have fun in Rio, buy me a calico thong.” (Or if a trip they’re planning is both appealing to you and on the cheap side, go – you don’t have kids yet, and you aren’t dead yet, either.) Then invite them to things you’re willing to do. If they’re amenable to that, you stay friends. If they’re not amenable to that, you drift.

Hi Carolyn: My boyfriend and I were recently having a discussion about marriage. He told me he’d always love me, but when I asked if he’d always be IN LOVE with me he said he wasn’t sure. When I asked why not, he said maybe someday I’d grow, change and fall out of love with him and then he would still love me, but not be IN LOVE with me, as someone who wasn’t in love with him. What’s your take on this? – Michigan

He’s being honest. Not very romantic, and he blinked when you called him on it – his backpedaling/logic twist at the end carries a 3.3 degree of difficulty – but real. People do grow and change and fall out of love all the time. And any view of marriage that’s built on the idea that all or even most lasting couples are still in love with each other is … I won’t say delusional, too strong, but maybe a disenchantment waiting to happen.

Some do stay IN LOVE, some just love, and both groups generally consider themselves lucky. And no matter what they tell you, no couple from either group, or from the fell-utterly-out-of-all-definitions-of-love group, was able on their wedding day to see their fate coming.

So. My question for you is, why the need for assurances? You don’t know-know how you’ll feel about him, either, if you’re being honest with yourself. Don’t put him on the spot. It’s not fair. And, for what it’s worth, I don’t suggest getting married until you find a way to live peacefully with unknowns.