Mom can’t face reality of son’s addiction, lying

Dear Annie: I have a 30-year-old brother who is a drug addict. We have tried everything to help “Rory” and spent thousands of dollars for treatment facilities, but he always comes back, lying, stealing from Mom and getting into trouble. Last week, Rory was arrested for possession of cocaine. He was in my mom’s car at the time, so I had to take her to get it out of the police impound lot. Rory gave my mom some elaborate story about how the coke wasn’t his. Of course, she believed him. While my daughter and I were in Mom’s car, my daughter found two checks that were made out to Rory from a family friend, but I recognized my brother’s handwriting. I knew they were stolen, so I returned them to their rightful owner. Rory somehow found out I did this, and now my mother is mad at me. What should I say to her? — Law-Abiding Daughter Dear Daughter: Your mother has her head in the sand. Returning the checks brought her back to reality, and she doesn’t like it there. Denial is less painful than admitting her adult son is a drug addict and a criminal. You can say nothing to your mother that will make a difference until she is willing to hear you. Since you don’t want her to remain angry with you, apologize for making her unhappy, and tell her when she is ready to stop enabling Rory, you will be there for her. Then, if you haven’t already, contact Nar-Anon at 22527 Crenshaw Blvd., Suite 200B, Torrance, CA 90505, (800) 477-6291 (naranon.com). Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Fed Up With Mama Drama,” whose ex-wife gave him such a hard time, he decided to stop communicating with his children. I am a divorced father who experienced such terrible things from the kids’ mother that I gave up my parental rights. I didn’t want my children caught in the crossfire. They needed peace. I miss my children, but I’m convinced my decision to back away was best for them. My ex-wife can no longer blame me for anything, and it has eliminated the “issues.” The kids are older now and are finally coming around — particularly my daughter, who has done a total 180 and now wants to see me more often. I know what it means to deal with “Mama Drama,” and I think the kids get it, too. Just be patient. It does pay off later. — Wisconsin Dear Wisconsin: Maybe. We’re glad this has worked for you, but in too many instances, a father who gives up contact with his children destroys any chance of a future relationship. Your motives may make sense and even be admirable, but not all children are able to forgive if they believe you abandoned them because you found it too stressful to deal with Mom. They expect you to fight for them. Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “Worried in Southern California,” whose husband overfilled the gas tank. In addition to contaminating soil and ground or surface water, overfilling is a primary contributor to the formation of ground-level ozone. Gas stored in underground tanks is extremely cold, and in warmer climates, it expands as it heats up. Eventually that “topped off” tank spills down the side of the vehicle, costing the consumer money and adding to our smog problems. For those of us around the nation who are trying to clean our air and reduce emissions, please help us get the word out. — Tim W. Brown, Wood County Commissioner, Bowling Green, Ohio Dear Commissioner Brown: Many readers wrote to say gasoline vapors cause fires and the man’s car would not pass the local emissions test. We appreciate your authoritative word on the subject and hope our readers are paying attention.