It can’t be a junker if it’s paid for

The other day a friend referred to some guy’s car as a “total heap.” I laughed merrily along until I realized I was the guy.

For years now, I have been in denial that I drive a heap. In fact, I have been in denial that I drive a junker, beater, rattletrap and total swaybacked mule.

Maybe you, too, are in denial. So I have worked up a few guidelines entitled: How to Tell if Your Car is a Heap.

“ Your car has a unique “security” feature. It won’t start unless you know how to jiggle the key just right.

“ The word “salvage” is stamped on the title. You can no longer remember why.

“ You carry a length of sawed-off broom handle in back, to hold the hatchback door open.

“ Your car has “AC,” but you are referring to the breeze from somewhere under the clutch pedal.

“ You have used the following words to defend your car: “At least it’s not a Yugo.”

“ The glove compartment contains a map of Wyoming, apparently from when Wyoming was still a territory.

“Your car predates the cup-holder era. It is from the jam-the-cup-against-the-parking- brake era.

“ During emission testing, the technician discovers the VIN number on the dashboard does not match the VIN number on the chassis.

“ In fact, he discovers that the VIN number on the dashboard comes from a different decade than the VIN number on the chassis.

“ The most glaring safety hazard is not the lack of airbags. The most glaring safety hazard is the fact that the stereo wires hang down behind the brake pedal.

“ What you call a “stereo,” other people call “that radio that only gets AM.”

“ You have used the following words to defend your car: “At least it’s paid for, except the new clutch.”

“ Your owner’s manual disappeared a decade ago, so you have no idea what the “PGM-FI” light means or why it has been flashing since 1997.

“ One of the doors doesn’t shut quite right. This no longer even bothers you.

“ You consider a quart of oil just a natural part of every fill-up.

“ The rug has a worn-through spot just below the gas pedal. The seat has a worn-through spot just below your wallet.

“ You never worry about break-ins, mainly because the passenger window won’t close.

“ You are routinely passed on the freeway by newer vehicles, including vehicles that say “Wide Load.”

“ You have used the following words to defend your car: “In ten years, you’ll all be calling it ‘collectible.’ “

“ Your gauges are all “analog,” which should not be construed to mean that they work.

“ You can date the various sections of your vehicle from the different shades of red in the paint job.

“ Your bumper sticker refers, alarmingly, to the Falkland Islands War.

“ Your headlights are not halogen. They may, in fact, be kerosene.

“ You have no traffic tickets on your record. You have been unable to exceed the speed limit since 1988.

“ The finish no longer shows signs of “wear.” It shows signs of “erosion.”

“ Your car does not have the OnStar system. But you can summon help by propping open the hood and tying a rag to your antenna.

“ The last time you cleaned the junk from under the seat, you found, appallingly, an Abba eight-track.

“ You have used the following words to defend your car: “So maybe it lacks one hubcap, two doorknobs and a functioning heater. It also lacks pretension.”