Lovingly tell mom her plan won’t work
Dear Annie: My parents, both in their mid-50s, have decided to move out of state. The problem is, my mother wants to keep her job here and live with me during the week, commuting to her new place only on weekends. My husband and I have two children, ages 6 and 9, and we don’t have room for Mom to stay here comfortably. She insists she can sleep on the couch in the children’s playroom.
I don’t want to hurt my mother by telling her she cannot live with me, but I certainly don’t want to ruin the good relationship we have now by setting up a situation that is certain to cause hard feelings. With summer just around the corner, the kids will be staying up later and making noise while she will want to sleep, and I know this will become a problem. Any thoughts? — Role Reversal in California
Dear Role Reversal: It’s probably a good thing that your children will annoy your mother. Maybe she’ll decide your home is not where she wants to be.
Some folks can manage fine with Mom in the house, but the choice should be yours. The two of you are close enough that Mom feels welcome in your home, so you should be able to talk to her about this. Let her know you love her and want no friction, but your accommodations are such that there is bound to be trouble. She will eventually find the playroom uncomfortable or not private enough, and her warm relationship with the children will suffer. Tell her she can stay now and then, but five days a week is not a good idea. Offer to help her find a better arrangement.
Be prepared for some hurt feelings, but it’s better than a wrecked marriage and an estranged mother. Good luck.
Dear Annie: I am a 14-year-old male. My problem is all of my friends smoke, and I want them to stop. I don’t want to report them to the authorities or anything. I just was wondering how to approach them about this. I was thinking of starting a group called F.A.S.T. (Friends Against Smoking Tobacco). What do you think of this idea? — Southeast Nebraska
Dear Nebraska: We think it’s a great idea, although it won’t be easy to get your friends to stop if they are already hooked. They must want to quit. You can get some ideas and help through the American Cancer Society (cancer.org), the Centers for Disease Control (cdc.gov/tobacco/tips4youth.htm) or the N-O-T program at the American Lung Association (800-LUNG-USA) (1-800-586-4872). We hope your idea catches on.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from the woman who asked if she should invite her estranged husband back home to live with her “as a friend.” Here’s my advice: No, do not ask him back. For the sake of our two sons, I stayed in a platonic relationship like that for 17 years. Don’t think you’ll date while he’s living there. What kind of man would get involved in that kind of situation? Eventually, you will grow to hate both him and yourself. Eventually, it will destroy your self-esteem.
When our children were teenagers, I finally had enough and filed for divorce. I met a wonderful man, everything I ever wanted and am sorry now for wasting all that time. I did it for the children, but now they are grown and ask, “Why did you stay so long? You and Dad have nothing in common.”
Today I am friends with my ex-husband, and the boys have a good relationship with him, but I resent all those lost years. — Been There in Los Angeles
Dear L.A.: Nothing speaks louder than the Voice of Experience. Of course, since all of you have such a good relationship, and you found a wonderful man, perhaps those years accomplished a little something worthwhile after all. Thanks for writing.