Be a source of strength
Dear Annie: Two years ago, my brother, “John,” came to visit from another country. We hadn’t seen him in a very long time.
During John’s stay, he made inappropriate sexual advances toward my daughter’s 12-year-old girlfriend late one night after a party. The girls were horrified and told me of the incident. My husband and I confronted John, who admitted it and left our house immediately. He went back to his home country with a sincere promise that he would get therapy. When he reneged, I told him I would no longer keep this a secret and would tell my sisters, who also have young daughters.
The problem is the rest of my family. They sympathize with my daughter’s friend, but in the next breath they tell me “nothing actually happened” and they pressure me to reconnect with John.
How can I get through to my family that I do not want to have anything to do with my brother? I spent six months on an exhausting mission to help him get therapy but finally realized I can’t do anything unless he admits there is a problem. I won’t put up with this type of inappropriate, deviant behavior again. Nothing actually happened, but it could have. Am I overreacting? – Love Him But Had Enough
Dear Had Enough: It is perfectly understandable that you are angry with John and don’t want him near your children. However, since he lives in another country and isn’t likely to visit anytime soon, you don’t have to cut him off entirely. You can placate your family, and also be a source of motivation, if you e-mail or write John now and then with general news, letting him know you still love him, and encouraging him to get help.
Dear Annie: My son served as an airman in the U.S. Air Force for four years, a full tour of duty. He considers himself a veteran, as do I. The problem arises with my brother-in-law. He says my son is not a veteran because he did not serve while a war was going on.
My brother-in-law is a retired, career Navy man who believes people like my son “served” but are not entitled to be called veterans because they didn’t serve under fire. Please help me find out the true answer to this technicality. – Mother of a Veteran
Dear Mother: We contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs, and this is what we were told: “Federal law defines a veteran as ‘a person who served in the active military, naval, or air service and who was discharged or released under conditions other than dishonorable.’ This is the general definition used in determining eligibility to many – but not all – VA benefits. Under this definition, your son is a veteran. Be proud of him.”
Dear Annie: This is about “Hannah,” who wrote you about the guy who stopped calling her after three dates. It might just be me, but I don’t think this guy qualifies for the title of “jerk” quite yet.
Three dates do not make a commitment. This guy is free to stop things right there if he wants to, just as Hannah would have. Tactically speaking, however, I think Hannah erred when she kept calling this guy to see why he wasn’t calling her. If he had any doubts about his decision, her calls took care of that completely.
But you are right that dating often is a hurtful experience. Hannah should be OK, though. She’ll find her bearings and, if she concentrates on the basics (honesty, good faith, fidelity, love), there will be a nice group of guys (not to mention friends) there for her. – Jim in NW Pennsylvania
Dear Jim: We agree Hannah should not have continued calling after the guy distanced himself. However, it would have been nice if he’d said it was over and not left her hanging. Thanks for the male perspective and your words of encouragement.