Perfect Houseguest also irritant

Nobody likes a houseguest who critiques the arrangements, announces his likes and dislikes, refuses to participate in planned activities, uses the place only to sleep or remains constantly underfoot, never offers return treats and expects to be waited upon without having to lift a finger to help.

But there are more ways than these for a houseguest to become a household pest.

Miss Manners hates acknowledging this. If only the etiquette business consisted of setting out rigid rules requiring obedience but not judgment – which most people think etiquette is, anyway – her life would be simpler. She could bark out orders and retire to her porch swing without the nuisance of dealing with nuances.

But then you might be stuck with exasperating people who follow the rules scrupulously, such as the Perfect Houseguest.

This type can be identified first thing in the morning, when he refuses to choose among the options offered. That may be a relief after the houseguest who announces that his breakfast needs include kiwi juice, eggs Florentine, bread with no preservatives, boysenberry jam and a specific brand of coffee with fresh cream. But not after the following dialogue:

Host: “What do you normally have for breakfast?”

Guest: “Oh, anything.”

Host: “I have eggs, bagels and cereal. What would you like?”

Guest: “It doesn’t matter.”

Host: “But what would you like?”

Guest: “Oh, I like everything.”

And so on.

Praise for the household is gratifying until it has accumulated to the point where hardly a stick in the house has not been favorably appraised, and the host is beginning to feel as if he is running a shop.

If the host seems momentarily occupied, the Perfect Guest puts himself under house arrest in his room. When the host proposes an activity, he unfailingly acquiesces, and may be overheard canceling his own plans.

But he also can take the initiative. He jumps up to clear the table while people are still eating, washes up while no one is looking and puts things away where no one can find them.

Such a guest may sound good to those who suffer from the inconsiderate guests, but Miss Manners assures them that guests who are trying too hard to be perfect can be perfect nuisances. It is nerve-wracking to try to please someone without receiving any reliable feedback. Having one’s every gesture of hospitality anticipated and thwarted eventually seems insulting. And then there is the irritant of not being able to find where the guest put the washed spoons.

It can almost – but not quite – seem to be a high price to pay for not finding hair in the guest bathroom sink.