Go anyway; deal with Auntie’s attitude later
Dear Annie: Last week, I received a call that my beloved uncle, who has cancer, had taken a turn for the worse and that we should come right away if we wanted to see him. All the relatives from several states rushed to the hospital.
Upon arriving, I was told that my uncle’s wife had left orders not to let me into his room, nor would she be accepting phone calls from me.
As far as I know, my relationship with his wife has always been cordial and friendly. This was a total shock. When everyone there heard about it, my aunt tried to pass it off as a “misunderstanding” and agreed to let me visit my uncle. I was deeply embarrassed, hurt and mostly angry.
Yesterday, we received another call, letting us know that his condition has worsened. I find that I cannot bring myself to make the trip again. What should I do? – Desperate in Riverside, Calif.
Dear Riverside: Go anyway. Now is not the time to let Auntie’s attitude get the better of you. You can deal with her later.
We don’t know the cause of this sudden antagonism, but it’s possible grief has made your uncle’s wife too stressed to make rational decisions. At some time in the future, you can bring it up, privately, and ask gently if you did something to make her angry, and if so, it was never your intention. We hope you can work this out.
Dear Annie: Over the past several years, I have noticed my mother’s increasing obsession with money. My brother and I are in college and are bombarded with her concerns on a daily basis. I still live at home, and she constantly worries about our income and what we can and cannot afford. This has been wearing on my nerves.
Every Christmas, our families exchange gifts. My mother is the shopper and stresses out every year. For the first time ever, she now wants to stop exchanging gifts, because she says we cannot afford it. There are no little kids in the family, so I think this is OK.
How should I tell my mother to proceed? Should she call everyone and just tell them that we will not be purchasing gifts for anyone this year, meaning we would get nothing in return as well (which is OK with me), or is this not tactful? – Trying Not To Be The Grinch
Dear Grinch: Is your mother’s obsession about money justified? If she is having severe financial difficulties, perhaps you can help by getting a part-time job and contributing to the household. Either way, it is perfectly fine to call or e- mail the relatives and say, “We’ve decided not to exchange gifts this year.” You can tell them you are donating to charity instead (if you plan to do so) or that it’s become economically impractical. They may be just as relieved as you are.
Dear Annie: I grew up in a small town, which meant everyone knew everyone else’s business. Now I am in a much larger city, but no matter how many times I’ve told my wife that our private lives should stay private, word gets out.
My wife blabs everything on the phone to her mother. Then it’s like front-page news. Recently, I had an emergency room experience involving a very discreet procedure, only to have my mother-in-law’s friend come up to me in church, of all places, and ask about it.
I’d like to use your column to tell any person who marries to shut the heck up and ask first before giving out private information. Your marriage will actually mean something. – Open Booked
Dear Open: You do realize that it was perfectly natural for your wife to confide in her mother at a time when she needed support. It is your mother-in-law who has the big mouth. There’s only so much we can do to control the actions of others. The rest we must learn to suffer through.