‘Three Wise Guys’ far from star quality
Beware of holiday TV movies based solely on a “clever” title. The easiest jokes are often the least funny and the most problematic.
“Three Wise Guys” (9 p.m., USA) offers a “crazy” retelling of the Christmas story from the points of view of three Mafia hitmen who happen upon a very pregnant and very shady lady who needs help because “there is no room at the Desert Inn.”
“Wise” is the second holiday bauble this year to provide work for Tom Arnold. Here he plays a mobbed-up and brainless casino owner who dispatches a trio of hitmen to silence a couple of inconvenient snitches.
The trigger-happy troika consists of the silent and surly George (Judd Nelson), the suave and vain Joey (Eddie McClintock) and Vincent (Nick Turturro), the assassin with a heart of gold, a doting dad who pines to be with his wife and five kids on the magical night of eggnog and caroling.
If you think Vincent’s character sounds completely contradictory, you’ve happened upon the central problem of “Three Wise Guys.” It’s impossible to watch this “comedy” with your brain fully in gear.
The film never makes up its mind.
One minute the characters speak casually of murder, strippers and easy sex, and the next minute we’re awash in holiday sentiment.
The characters’ ill-defined nature renders the film’s convoluted plot endless and unendurable. And spectacularly unfunny.
Look for Katey Sagal as Arnold’s wisecracking wife. Jodi Lyn O’Keefe stars as the angry and very pregnant Mary who spends the movie two-timing everybody (when not picking their pockets) and then concludes the film with a gushy scene.
“Wise Guys” is a complete mess but a fascinating one, an astounding example of the utter hash Hollywood talent can make when it chooses to desecrate one of the simplest and most uplifting stories.
“Inside Grand Central” (8 p.m., National Geographic) offers a two-hour look at one of America’s most famous train stations, a portal for millions of commuters and an architectural triumph facing an uncertain future.
More than 700,000 commuters walk through Grand Central every day. That’s more people than live in Boston.
“Inside” offers a glimpse at the secret tunnels and corridors buried 10 stories beneath the building’s many stores, restaurants and coffee shops. Many of these clandestine labyrinths were designed as escape routes for presidents and visiting dignitaries.
Grand Central was scheduled for demolition in the 1960s. The great station was saved only by an architectural preservation movement.
Al Roker hosts “Kids, Cards & Dice” (8 p.m., Court TV). It’s no secret that over the past five years, television has done a very energetic and obvious job of glamorizing the culture of gambling. Programs set in Las Vegas, frequent puff pieces about casinos and cheap cable shows highlighting celebrity card parties extol a ring-a-ding atmosphere of fun, witty patter and easy money.
Roker reports on students and young people hooked on gambling and who have turned to crime to subsidize their “fabulous” lifestyle. He also talks with parents about ways to stay on top of their children’s habit.
Other highlights
Four-wheeled product placement on “Survivor: Guatemala” (8 p.m., CBS).
Johnny shares his feelings on “The O.C.” (8 p.m., Fox).
Chris Rock stars in the 2003 comedy “Head of State” (8 p.m., ABC).
Bullies and batteries on “Everybody Hates Chris” (8 p.m., UPN).
Christmas at the Trumans on “Will & Grace” (8:30 p.m., NBC).
A reported kidnapping yields scant evidence on “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS).
A charity event rocks the finalists on “The Apprentice” (9 p.m., NBC).
A grave 1993 gathering on “Reunion” (9 p.m., Fox).
Amnesia, TV’s most incurable disease, rears its ugly head on “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS), guest-starring Martin Landau.
A young shooting victim clings to life on “ER” (10 p.m., NBC).
Cult choice
Corbin Bernsen and Connie Sellecca star in the 2001 comedy “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (8 p.m., Family).
Series notes
A visit from an old pal (Adam Goldberg) on “Joey” (8 p.m., NBC) … Lex’s yuletide vision on “Smallville” (8 p.m., WB) … Joey McIntyre guest-stars on “Love, Inc.” (8:30 p.m., UPN) … Bursting Shelly’s bubble on “Eve” (9 p.m., UPN) … Ephraim becomes more than a friend to Amy on “Everwood” (9 p.m., WB) … Kevin makes a move on “Cuts” (9:30 p.m., UPN).