Maybe Dad just trying to protect you

Dear Carolyn: I finally came out to my parents last year as bisexual. They seemed very accepting and said I was still their son. Recently, though, I mentioned in a blog that I had been asked out by a man and hoped we would go out that weekend. My father immediately e-mailed me that it was inappropriate and offensive to share my personal life in a public forum. I asked whether it would be offensive if I were talking only about women, and he said, “Yes.” So apparently my personal life is just too offensive to mention to anyone, ever. I’m really angry and told him as much. Part of me says I’m being too hard on him. Am I? – M.

Since part of you feels conciliatory, and since your father took last year’s news gracefully, you have two reasons to drop your dukes.

I suspect you have three, though: because maybe you’re the one who put up your dukes in the first place. Your personal life is “just too offensive to mention to anyone, ever”? Of the many possible interpretations, you chose the most combative.

For example, maybe your dad is just, understandably, disgusted by society’s assault on the line between public and private – and was even before his son joined in.

Could your bisexuality make this harder on him? Yes. Is that ideal? No.

Do you really need to push him on this?

It’s your life, and if you want to blog it for all to see, that’s your prerogative. Likewise, if Dad doesn’t want to read it, that’s his prerogative. In fact, it’s his duty to the Duh gods not to read it, but he’s not the one asking my help.

However, you should have anticipated his awkwardness before you judged his reaction (especially if you’re baiting him) – just as he should have anticipated your defensiveness before he reacted combatively.

Making peace is always easier when you find common ground.

Besides, he’s the only father you’ve got – though hardly the only one more comfortable with his kid’s bisexuality in theory than in print.

Dear Carolyn: I have been with a guy five years. We are seniors at different colleges, and see each other only on weekends. When we are together, we have the perfect relationship. My problem is, now when we are apart, he often gets grumpy or mean. It is mostly school stress, but I don’t like that he takes it out on me. I keep telling myself we will graduate soon and things will get better, but am I wrong to think he should handle his school stress better (as I do)? – Student

He should handle his stress better.

And if my saying that could make him handle his stress better, there’d be a much better view out my windows.

Someday his school stress will be behind him – replaced by commuting stress, career-rut stress, child-rearing stress, competing-with-Joneses stress, receding-hairline stress.

Which is why two of the most important things you can learn about someone are how he handles his feelings, and how he handles yours – say, about his meanness to you when he’s stressed. Bring it up when you see him, hear what he has to say – since he needs to learn about you, too – and then watch closely how things go from there.