Learning charity

NEW YORK – The toughest balancing act for parents this season might not be the budget – although that can be pretty hard, too.

For many families, the tightrope is: how to make a holiday celebration happy and memorable for their children while teaching them about charity and humility?

And for the youngest kids, there’s also the issue of Santa Claus. How come he might visit your house bearing a big bundle of gifts but doesn’t do the same for everyone?

Santa needs helpers, says Susan McLaughlin, director of corporate philanthropy for Toys “R” Us, and that’s what parents could tell children both when they ask about giving to others and about the abundance of people in red furry suits.

“If you are in the (financial) position, say, ‘We have enough gifts and can help Santa out. All those other Santas are helpers too, just like we are,’ ” she suggests.

“Kids want to know why they’re doing things or what they’re doing means. Then they’re usually happy to do it,” she adds.

For example, explain to older children about hurricanes and nature – and then explain that there are many victims of hurricanes Katrina and Rita who’ll be spending the holidays out of their homes and without their toys.

A pared-down explanation – perhaps leaving out the severity of the storms – is better suited to younger children because you don’t want to scare them. “Don’t shield them, don’t lie, but explain in a simple fashion and to what they can understand,” McLaughlin says.

Parents who expect their children to be greedy Grinches likely will find their children to be sympathetic and generous, she says.

To encourage that reaction, allow children to enjoy giving. Charity should feel good, so include children in making the decision of what types of organizations they’d like to help. Also, have them start small – even giving pennies to a bell ringer – and have it make sense.

“Explain as best you can why the work being done is important. Make them feel like they are making a difference; it’ll make them feel good inside,” McLaughlin says.

It’s equally important to do what they say and say what they do, notes psychologist Maggie Mamen, author of “The Pampered Child Syndrome.”

“Children watch the picture. They want to be like us. They’ll look to see if parents follow through with their values,” Mamen says.

She agrees that children benefit from experiencing good will, instead of just talking about it. Consider bringing older children with you to serve a holiday meal at a soup kitchen or suggest they set aside one-third of the holiday money they receive to make a donation to a cause they believe in.

Mamen also warns parents not to give in to either the marketers or their own children’s whining. Holiday wish lists aren’t shopping lists, she says.

“If kids get everything they want, they’ll develop a sense of entitlement,” she says. “A gift is a gift; it’s voluntary, not demanded.”

“A gift is an expression of love,” adds Patrick McDonnell, the author-illustrator of “Gift of Nothing.”

In the book, based on the characters of McDonnell’s “Mutts” comic strip, Mooch the cat wants to give his friend Earl the dog a very special gift. But Earl already has a bowl and a bed and a chewy toy. So Mooch gives him an empty box that is full of friendship.

“Nothing but me and you,” the cat says as his pal opens the package.

“Mooch got to the essence of what a gift is,” McDonnell says. “The book is about the best things in life and that they’re free.”

Children are bombarded with consumerism, especially this time of year, he says, and he wanted to a book that would help tone down all the hype and tell a story about the greatest gifts of all.

“I think children more than anyone else understand what a gift it is – to spend time with each other and love each other,” McDonnell says, noting that it’s usually parents, relatives and other grown-ups who feed the holiday frenzy, not the kids.