Four regular guys go wild ape over Kong

The Wednesday morning newspaper was already on my porch by the time I shambled back home after a sneak-peek showing of Peter Jackson’s remake of “King Kong.”

I was dead tired. I was feeling my age. I didn’t care.

My innermost Kong cravings have been satisfied.

The “King Kong” report card reads – Ape-plus.

The three lucky dudes who joined my midnight monkey business at the River Park 20 theaters were no less awestruck.

“That rocked!” declared Philip Katona, 39.

“On a scale of 1-to-10 – I give it a 15,” said Jim Haynes, 52.

“Earth-shattering. Mind-bending,” added Buzz Fadeley, 21.

This movie has it all: Scary natives. Giant spiders. Man-eating slugs.

Forget Narnia. This is the feel-good movie of the holidays.

When I last left you on Tuesday, I was making sweeping gender gap generalizations based on my wife’s disinterest in seeing “King Kong.”

Most guys can’t get enough Kong. Most women already think men are monkeys.

Rather than going to the late-night movie like a creepy lone shoebomber, I offered free tickets, popcorn and sodas for three guys willing to join me in this Kong fest.

More than 50 readers responded via telephone calls and e-mails. Thanks to each and every one of you.

The lion’s share of requests came from men, although a few women tried to crash my guy’s night out.

“I’m not a dude,” said Natalie in a voice mail message, “but I can totally pass for a dude.”

Interesting.

In the end I decided on three average guys with an undying love for Kong.

Katona is an insurance salesman from Chewelah. Even more impressive than his Kong knowledge was his willingness to burn up a small fortune in gas to drive to Spokane for a free movie.

“Men love Kong because we want to be like Kong,” said Katona. “Powerful, muscular, supreme. Free, uninhibited, uncaged. And loved by some pretty blonde that barely seems to understand us as men.”

Easy there, big fellow.

Haynes’ job has something to do with contracts and solid waste. I didn’t understand any of it. But he swore he wasn’t a felon so, hey, I’m cool. Haynes won me over with a story about Fay Wray’s missing sexy scenes in the original 1933 movie.

I’ve known the Fadeley family for years. But I had forgotten that Buzz was a King Kong aficionado until his mom, Linda, nominated him in a telephone message.

Buzz once celebrated his birthday with a King Kong-shaped cake. He has collected King Kong movies, action figures, and he even has a King Kong air mattress. At the movie, Buzz showed me a photograph taken when he was about 3. There he is, asleep on a quilt – a Kong doll clutched in his hand.

I don’t want to get any feminists in a tizzy here. But I think Naomi Watts deserves much of the blame for what happens to Kong.

(Columnist’s note: To not spoil the surprise ending of “King Kong,” we will simply leave it at … SPLAT!)

In my view, the beauty totally led the beast on.

She batted her eyes. She did a little dance. She even juggled, for god’s sake.

Next thing you know, Kong is duking it out with dinosaurs, beating his chest and climbing buildings – all because of you know who.

There was this cute girl back in grade school that had the same brain-draining effect on me.

At one point I actually climbed up the fire escape in a transparent and baboonish attempt to impress her.

Oh, well. As with the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal there are two ways to view what happened to King Kong.

He’s either just another gorilla who was thinking with his “little kong.”

Or, as a friend of mine noted, the poor dumb ape was done in by “a chimp tease.”