Accept her; start with not arguing back

Dear Carolyn: My brother’s fiancée is extremely difficult to get along with. From the very beginning she was not afraid to say anything. Kind of like how you would talk to your best friend, who has earned that trust and friendship over a period of years, not weeks. My last three visits to their house, she and I have had serious arguments, all of which she instigated. She once stated she didn’t care about what my family or I think, only about what my brother thinks.

We don’t live in the same city so our time together is limited. I am more upset about how my distaste for her has affected, and more importantly will affect, the relationship I have with my brother. I simply can’t deny the fact that I do not like her. Not only is she very combative, she acts as if she needs to prove something. She has a very self-righteous attitude, always telling everyone what is best. She has no problem telling me, “You are an idiot,” “You don’t know anything,” etc. She is also very protective of everything “ours,” as she says.

Our parents have met her and are quite upset. I feel that even if she has issues with us (right or wrong), she should at least have some respect and not be so combative. I know my brother sees all of this and of course he is stuck right in the middle. When do my true feelings outweigh my brother’s happiness? – Concerned Brother

Frankly? Never.

There’s little you can do about a sibling’s obnoxious mate, since first you’d have to change the sibling. (Good luck.) And if he’s happy with her, there’s little you should do.

So, really, you have two choices: Find a way to accept Opinionella so you can stay close to your brother, or let her come between you.

You may feel you’ve exhausted the first option already, but you haven’t. Not if you’re arguing with her. No one can instigate an argument without someone to argue back.

So try not arguing back. Repeat after me, “I’ll win by not winning. I’ll win by not winning. I’ll win by not winning.” Because if you shrug her off with, “OK!,” I promise, she won’t keep coming after you. Remember, people who are sure they know what’s best for everyone else are usually unsure of themselves. (It’s difficult to heat, but, yes, I do love my glass house.) Your backing down will help both of you calm down.

Unless seething detente is your goal, though, you’ll need another step. Since you and your brother are close, and since he knows how you feel about his intended, you can ask him to explain what he loves about her.

Not in an exasperated way, but in a way that says you genuinely want to see her through his eyes, to accept her as an extension of him. He has to want that from his family by now, badly. Especially from you.

Then, try try try to see her through his eyes. Either she will come to realize you aren’t a threat to her and reveal a more likable side, or you’ll come to realize your relationship with your brother can and will survive. Just keep those visits short.