Modest code of ethics will rescue council
Ignoring the obvious oxymoron, the Spokane City Council is set to dive off the high cliffs of sanity by establishing a code of ethics for its members, appointed officials and top employees.
This, of course, makes as much sense as Michael Jackson dispensing marriage tips.
But that’s the crazy way government works.
It’s the only venue where the rats are allowed to write the rules on how to keep themselves from the cheese.
To compound the foolishness, the council intends to set up a seven-member commission of toadies who will supposedly enforce the new behavior bible.
As if Spokane government wasn’t expensive enough, now there’ll be seven more people to bribe.
I tried to steer the City Council away from this iceberg last October, after 100 moral-minded misanthropes worked themselves into a drooling lather at an ethics-in-government tent revival.
As usual, the council knuckleheads gave me the high hat.
That’s the price of always being right, I guess.
Politicians love to spout Golden Rule platitudes. They know how well it plays with the nursing home vote.
Well, virtue may still be its own reward at Sunday school. But down at City Hall, virtue is a damned poor investment.
That’s because politics is the same ol’ dirty business it always was – we just have better carpet now.
Because of this it’s unfair to hold our leaders to standards that we wouldn’t expect for purse snatchers, pickpockets or Avista executives.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no anarchist. Or even an alchemist, for that matter.
I realize that every organization has to have a few sensible principles in order to avoid chaos.
The Mafia, for example.
Every mobster adheres to a couple of unwritten laws.
1. You can’t whack a made guy without permission.
2. Don’t leave any witnesses when breaking rule No. 1.
Even we journalists have a professional ethics code.
1. Always keep two sets of notes.
2. Never be caught dead with an editor in public unless he/she’s buying the drinks.
We can blame ex-Mayor Jim West for this latest transparent gush of hype-mindedness.
Our recently recalled mayor clearly pole-vaulted over the lines of decency. More than 6,000 offensive and pornographic images were found on his city-owned laptop computer.
Personally, I would have looked the other way had the mayor kept his downloads of gay chat room porn to something reasonable.
Around 3,600 images, perhaps.
There’s no point in grousing about the past. As usual, it’s the present that concerns me.
I’m like Britney Spears’ maternity pants. I’m here to make the ugly load more bearable.
So as a post-Christmas gift to the Spokane council, I have tapped my staff of political poobahs and come up with the:
10 Commandments of City Hall Ethics
1. Never seduce a city employee without first springing for dinner and a movie.
2. Slap a back. Grease a palm. Bury the hard drive.
3. To avoid costly and protracted legal battles, future mayoral recalls will be decided by tar and feathers.
4. Love your political enemies. They’ll never see the knife coming.
5. Beware of Jimmy Marks bearing gifts.
6. To comply with Washington’s Clean Indoor Air Act, all secret smoke-filled deals must be conducted at least 25 feet from a safe deposit box.
7. Junketing mayors will be limited to a two Lilac princess escort.
8. No council member shall sleep with the spouse of another council member, except as punishment for violating an ethics commandment.
9. A laptop is not for lap dancing.
10. Never feed voters a bigger lie than the fools are willing to swallow.