Biggest star at this expo was Fuhrman

Before we discuss staying safe from gang-bangers, purse-pilferers, identity snatchers, home-crashers, satanic gnomes and all the other terrifying predatory forces that are out there licking their chops to have at us, I have a brief announcement to make.

Anyone holding an event in Spokane would be smart to not bill it as an “Expo.”

Need I remind you that we are the home of Expo ‘74, a world’s fair?

So unless your gathering has pavilions and colorful foreign folk dancers and an opening address by Richard M. Nixon, I’d avoid the term.

I repeat. Lunch with Mark Fuhrman is NOT an “Expo.”

Fuhrman, of course, is the former Los Angeles police detective whose blatant lies under oath about uttering racial slurs helped scuttle the O.J. Simpson murder trial for the prosecution.

Yet, remarkably, Fuhrman has been able to parlay all that post-trial notoriety (infamy?) into getting Spokane radio talk shows (he’s on 1510 KGA now) and becoming the go-to criminologist for national Fox TV news.

Only in America!

But getting back to today’s topic. After reading the press release hyping a “Safe Living Expo” featuring Fuhrman, I felt compelled to attend. The event was held at noon Friday at Riverview Thai Restaurant.

“Do you want to learn more about living safer in Spokane?” the release asked.

Boy, do I.

This may come as a shock, but sometimes my musings are misunderstood by people who then call me up and act like they want to drive a forklift up my colon.

The other day a friendly reader, fearing for my health, offered to be my bodyguard. “I still have my old 12 gauge shotgun from when I hunted pheasants as a kid,” wrote Stan in an e-mail.

Before it comes to that, I figured I’d go get some tips from Fuhrman.

After seeing where he sat for lunch, I’m not so convinced he’s the great safety guru he appears to be.

The dude was eating with his back to a window.

Hello. Does the name Wild Bill Hickok ring a bell?

About 36 people turned out for the “Safe Living Expo.” We all had to pay for our meals. In return we got to listen to Fuhrman plus several others who spoke briefly on their areas of expertise: gun safety, self-defense, identity theft and the importance of stowing your personal treasures (guns, jewels, autographed O.J. Simpson photos…) in a good, sturdy safe.

In fairness, I don’t think the underwhelming turnout was indicative of Fuhrman’s star power.

Fuhrman is all the time blowing into his microphone about crime and gangs and dope fiends and how the cops can’t seem to do their job. So I’m guessing many fans of Mr. Know-It-All would have loved to come, but were simply too terrified to crawl out of their panic rooms.

I don’t know what all this fuss is about identity theft.

I dare someone to steal my identity. Go ahead. Walk a mile with my hairline, pal.

I don’t even mind if somebody takes my Visa card. As long they keep up with the monthlies.

What I’m about to say could wreck Fuhrman’s gig as the town’s leading scare monger, but living in Spokane really couldn’t be much safer.

The crime problems we have are piddle compared to the meaner streets of places like Milwaukee or Millwood.

Sure, Spokane has a few problems. Every now and then somebody gets beat up or put in a freezer. But no place is risk-free.

Heck, even getting too close to Fuhrman can be dangerous.

Ten years ago at the Spokane airport, Fuhrman went bonkers and practically ripped the shirt off one of our photographers who dared to snap pictures of him.

Fortunately on Friday, Fuhrman shook my hand and didn’t try to give me a wardrobe malfunction.

I still wouldn’t turn my back on him, though. Especially if he were driving a forklift.