Lesson: Think twice before opening mouth
Carolyn: I introduced two guys thinking they might hit it off. They did, and made a date. I asked friend No. 1 how it went, he hedged, and I finally got him to tell me. He said No. 2 had made a disparaging remark over dinner about my weight.
No. 1 told No. 2 he didn’t think that was very nice, the date ended soon thereafter, and they haven’t spoken since. I haven’t called No. 2, nor heard from him. Until today, two months later, when he called out of the blue.
He was NOT a super-close friend, and I was fine with just writing him off. The call took me by surprise, though, so I didn’t say what I thought I would – “You’re an a–, have a nice life” – and now I want to e-mail or call him to say so. I really don’t know what to do, and I don’t normally have to think twice about what to say. – Suddenly in Fifth Grade Again
To be in fifth grade, you have to show up for class.
Pop quiz: Do you want everyone to know everything you’ve said about them in their absence?
While you work on that, please think twice before you denigrate thinking twice.
Today it saved you from name-calling where restraint was far more appropriate. And maybe thinking twice would have steered Friend No. 2 away from your waistline when he was grasping for first-date conversation.
But the most persuasive spokesman for thinking twice: Friend No. 1, who failed to do so before he opened his yap to repeat No. 2’s nasty remark.
Friend 2 lost your friendship, you lost face and Friend 1? He looks the hero, your brave champion.
As the only one who stood to gain here, he showed compromised judgment at best, a sweet tooth for drama most likely – and at worst, an ego that had to be fed.
Unless we’re wedding our back-stabber, or it’s our attorney or nanny or shrink – i.e., when ignorance really can hurt – none of us really needs to hear what’s said behind our backs. Or wants to.
So here it is, the secret to happiness: informed denial. Accept that people will either say ugly things in our absence (and still love us nevertheless), or not care enough to even notice we’re absent. Therefore, the less detail the better.
What’s said can’t be unsaid. For everyone’s sake, though, try the next best thing, a conscious choice to let this whole blab-isode slide.
Dear Carolyn: I have finally met a guy I really like. We have been seeing each other on and off for a couple of months. Should I ask where this relationship is going or just see where it takes us? I have been raised to believe the guy should bring up stuff like that. I’m worried that if I say I would like to be exclusive I might scare him off. – C.
I was raised that way, too, but then reconditioned to believe that if honesty kills your relationship, then it was already dying of natural causes. “Where is this going?” still lays it on him; asking to be exclusive is honest, and also such a compliment that it would be a shame to withhold it out of fear that he might not agree.