Love, support will bring daughter back

Dear Annie: I was the victim of domestic violence in my eight-year marriage that ended 10 years ago. After the divorce, I went to counseling with my daughter, “Mari,” who was then age 6. I learned that blaming the other parent continuously for the separation would only destroy my relationship with Mari, so for the past 10 years, I have done everything I can to encourage and sustain Mari’s close relationship with her father. I never mentioned his abuse, but I know Mari remembers some of the more serious incidents.

Mari is now 16. Six months ago, my ex-husband was diagnosed with a terminal case of Hepatitis C. Prior to the diagnosis, Mari had behaved in a typical “I-hate-my-Mom” fashion for about a year, but I thought it was a passing teenage thing and we would eventually get back to our old loving relationship. But she shocked me when she abruptly moved into her father’s house and now refuses to have anything to do with me.

I miss her desperately, but the courts tell me that a 16-year-old has custody of herself. What is going on here? – Distressed Mom in Sacramento

Dear Distressed: You say Mari remembers the abuse, which means she may have felt some ill will toward her father over the years. Now he is dying, and Mari wants to make it up to him by spending as much time as possible by his side. Avoiding you is easier than dealing with your disappointment and hurt.

You have been a class act for the past 10 years. Tell Mari you love her, and you are happy she is with her father during this time because you know how much it means to both of them. Hide your bitterness even if it means being an actress worthy of an Academy Award. In time, your relationship will be stronger because you supported her choice. Hang in there, Mom.

Dear Annie: I have a very dear friend who insists on calling me every night. I work in an office, and my job requires a lot of phone work. When I get home, the last thing I want to hear is my phone ringing.

I can’t tell her to stop without hurting her feelings or lying to her. She’s an older woman with a family, and she lives three hours away from me. Most of the time our phone conversations are a lot of dead air, since there’s not much to talk about when you speak to someone every day.

I am starting to lose sleep, and every time the phone rings I cringe. Please help me. – Tone-Deaf

Dear Tone-Deaf: If you are unwilling to tell this woman that you’re busy and must hang up, simply stop answering your phone. If you have Caller ID, use it. Otherwise, invest in an answering machine and let it screen your calls. You don’t have to be held hostage by this woman. Call her back when you feel like talking.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Wanting To Throw Up in My Rainbow Living Room,” whose husband has horrible decorating taste. You said all decorating should be cooperative. Excuse me, but isn’t her husband entitled to purchase something for his house, too? Maybe he is meatloaf-and-bowling, and for the last 20 years he has been wanting to throw up on art-deco-and-tofu.

He works, and she stays home, so he should be able to buy what makes him happy, even if it’s a velvet print of dogs playing poker. He who supplies the dough should get a bigger piece of the pie. – Meatloaf and Bowling in Memphis

Dear Memphis: We’re not talking about a “bigger piece.” He wants the whole pie to himself. Do you think a woman who cooks, cleans, does laundry and raises the children has no value unless she brings in a salary? We don’t care what their house looks like, but it should reflect both of them. Our advice stands.