Desperate housekeeping
Company. Unexpected company.
Oy! Even if we’re working full time and raising two kids, there’s pressure for us women to keep a perfectly neat, company-ready home.
Forget the expectations, we say. Live your life. We’re here to help with some cleaning shortcuts. The next time your in-laws call to say, “Hey, we’re in the neighborhood … ,” try these quick fixes.
Problem: Dirty dishes overflowing in sink. Putting them in dishwasher would require time for rinsing and arranging.
Solution: Open oven door and pile dishes inside. Do not rinse them; do not arrange them neatly. Oven door will hide all sins.
Leave guests thinking: “How clean her kitchen is! But why did she serve me coffee in a paper cup?”
Afterward: Resolve to keep dishes clean. Or buy more paper cups.
Problem: Paper clutter. Piles of junk mail and unpaid bills are cascading off desk, coffee table and countertops.
Solution: Quick! Do a clean sweep. Grab Nordstrom shopping bag and toss everything inside, then stuff bag in a closet. Closets too full already? Leave bag(s) on display in corner of kitchen. If anyone asks, announce that it is your recycling pile.
Leave guests thinking: “Well, she’s not tidy, but give her credit for saving the planet.”
Afterward: Make note to start actual recycling pile ASAP.
Problem: Carpet hasn’t been vacuumed since election night party … in 2000.
Solution: A quick entryway vacuum leaves telltale vacuum marks in carpet; guests will see this and never look at carpet again.
Leave guests thinking: “Nice house! And she vacuumed just for us!”
Afterward: Walk carefully around vacuum marks, hoping they will last until next election.
Problem: Hopeless mess. You have not picked up clutter since August.
Solution: Find plastic tarp or cotton sheet. Pile clutter on table or chair and push pile to middle of room, then drape tarp over it. Drape more furniture in sheets or plastic. Claim you are painting the living room. Speak knowingly about paint shades, tossing about names like “Misty Sage” and “Pumpkin Sunrise.”
Leave guests thinking: “We should paint our rooms Pumpkin Sunrise.”
Afterward: Paint living room Pumpkin Sunrise.
Desperately seeking “Housewives” solutions
How might those TV “Desperate Housewives” handle some everyday housekeeping dilemmas? Desperately, of course. Here’s how we’d guess clumsy Susan, spoiled Gabrielle, perfectionist Bree and child-challenged Lynette might deal with some common housekeeping problems.
Desperate housewife: Susan Mayer (pictured at top)
Desperate dilemma: Red wine stain on carpet
Desperate solution: Consult her daughter about which neighbor to borrow club soda from. Peek through the window of the home of the best-looking man in the neighborhood and notice a woman’s shadow. Put on a form-fitting outfit and investigate the situation under the guise of borrowing club soda. Ultimately mop up the stain with tears of woe.
Desperate housewife: Gabrielle Solis (below, left)
Desperate dilemma: Surprise mother-in-law visit
Desperate solution: Call her husband and complain royally. Bark orders at her maid to tidy up the house. Then open the door, reluctantly kiss her mother-in-law and make an excuse to leave the house for an afternoon fling as soon as possible.
Desperate housewife: Bree Van De Kamp (below, center)
Desperate dilemma: Overcooked goose in the oven, guests at the table
Desperate solution: Construct a detailed plan to divert attention from her less-than-perfect meat and on to other, pristine, elements of the dinner: a beautiful sprout salad, luminous oyster hors d’oeuvres and sumptuous chocolate flan. Lie and say the burned goose is the newest delicacy and get at least one person to back it up.
Desperate housewife: Lynette Scavo (below, right)
Desperate dilemma: Children’s scribbles and paint on family antiques
Desperate solution: Reconcile herself to the fact that children will be children and that antiques probably don’t have a place in the house with children anyway. Sell the antiques to a restoration house and put the money toward art classes that further children’s art ambitions and get them out of the house for a while.