She may be so shy as to appear rude

Dear Annie: I have raised four sons, mostly by myself. My youngest son ran away from college to pursue his dreams, fell in love with a girl and married her a year ago.

I always have welcomed my sons’ significant others, but this one has me perplexed. When they first began dating, I flew out to meet her and told her how much I approved of her, which I do. I send cards and flowers on her birthday and ask to speak to her when I call, but she rejects me to the point where I am brokenhearted.

My son married in a civil ceremony, to which I was not invited, and it just about killed me inside. But this silent treatment has me depressed. I bought them a nice wedding gift, but my son is the only one who responds. How can I get through to my newest daughter-in-law? – Can’t Understand It in Wheaton, Ill.

Dear Wheaton: It’s possible your new daughter-in-law is terribly shy. Shy people can come across as snooty or rude, but she may be so intimidated by you that it is easier for her to avoid all forms of communication. You need to discuss this with your son. Ask him what you can do to warm things up between you. Whatever happens, keep trying, Mom.

Dear Annie: I’d like to respond to the letter from “Airhead’s Dad,” whose pre-teen daughter, “Angel,” is forgetful.

I am the husband of a 68-year-old “pre-senior” who is constantly losing her glasses because she wears them only to read, forgets where she puts them down, and refuses to develop any system for keeping track of them except ask me to help her search. She has umpteen other similar foibles that drive me up the wall, but you know what? I love her because she is sweet and kind.

I think “Airhead’s Dad” might be part of the problem. His daughter doesn’t sound so bad to me, and maybe she needs a bit more love and understanding and less “guidance.” All kids rebel in one way or another, and maybe she is rebelling against a father who is, perhaps, a bit too organized. It explains why girls who were absolute slobs when they lived at home become compulsive housekeepers when they marry.

Go figure. – F.L.

Dear F.L.: While it is possible Angel is rebelling against a father who expects too much organization, it didn’t sound like that to us. Here’s more:

Dear Annie: The letter from “Airhead’s Dad” sent me off the edge. I’m 13 and often forget things. Being scatterbrained is not a physiological problem, it’s simply being human. It is condescending to make a problem out of something normal. As he said, Angel is “smart, caring, friendly and witty.” Should we not focus on those things rather than this diminutive quirk? She doesn’t need medical treatment. Nor does she need to be constantly reminded that there’s something wrong with her when there isn’t. – Madison, Wis.

Dear Annie: You were right to suggest that Angel be checked by a pediatrician, but I think you were too subtle. Angel’s behavior is typical of Attention Deficit in females. For kids with other skills and strengths, it’s hard to notice ADD until organizational demands get more complex – right around the pre-teen years. Most girls are undiagnosed.

If folks label her an “airhead” or she begins to think she is stupid, permanent damage will be done. And it will get worse as school gets more organizationally and academically demanding. Please advise Dad to do some reading on ADD, and check with a knowledgeable pediatrician or specialist. We were told our daughter was irresponsible, lazy and “deliberately oppositional.” She is now on the dean’s list at a top liberal arts college. But it wouldn’t have happened without the ADD diagnosis. – Been There