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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Please, don’t allow cell talk on flights

Bronwyn Lance Chester (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot

As if stale pretzels, howling babies and seats the size of kindergarten chairs aren’t enough to drive air travelers straight into the arms of Jack Daniels, the Federal Aviation Administration is now weighing whether to legalize cell phone use on planes.

In the annals of dumb ideas, this one ranks right up there with printing Playboy in Braille and dosing sex offenders with Viagra.

Here’s a prediction: If the FAA agrees, the friendly skies are going to turn hostile.

Back in 1991, the Federal Communications Commission put constraints on airborne cell jabbering due to worries that the devices would interfere with airplanes’ navigation systems.

The FCC now says it’s willing to lift the ban, thanks to new technology. But the FAA isn’t so sure. That agency is weighing whether wireless devices still pose too great a risk to avionics.

Last week, Congress held hearings on whether to remove the ban. Among those in favor of lifting it was the president of the Association of Corporate Travel Executives, a group that represents business fliers. He told officials it should soon be possible for cell-phone users to chat without perturbing their neighbors, thanks to the advent of “noise-canceling electronics.”

In my book, that would be a Taser.

Those of us who regularly fly veal class – and who can’t afford fancy electronics – know only too well that personal space and a modicum of privacy are at a premium on planes.

It’s annoying enough to hear your seatmate natter loudly via cell about his dreadful day or his business deal before the plane takes off. But at least you know there will be that sweet moment of relief when you hear the magic words, “All electronic devices must now be turned off and stowed.”

Now imagine that same preflight conversation for five endless hours on the red-eye from New York to Los Angeles. In your ear as you try to sleep. In Spanish or Hindi or Bostonian.

Factor in the ambient noise from the engines and the rush of air outside, and you’ve got a plane-full of shouted, inescapable conversations about Aunt Mildred’s colitis, who got drunk at the office party or why Tyler broke up with Misty. Omigod!

And presto – instant air rage.

Special “phone use” sections would be akin to the old smoking sections: The noise will waft through the cabin no matter what.

And given the paucity of airplane bathrooms, the last thing small-bladdered fliers need is for toilets to be monopolized by cell yakkers searching for privacy.

Mobile phones are wonderful, useful devices. But there are times and places where their use is appropriate. A packed plane with folks trying to read, sleep, work or otherwise avoid fellow passengers isn’t one of them.

Further, in an era when cell phones are used to detonate bombs and coordinate terrorist attacks, allowing them on planes isn’t the smartest move the feds could make.

People in true airborne emergencies already whip out their phones. Remember all the calls from passengers to loved ones on 9/11?

The flying public simply doesn’t want to be subjected to jangling ring tones, idle chatter or self-important discussions via their neighbor’s cell at 35,000 feet. But don’t take my word for it.

The FCC sought public comments on reversing the ban. It was inundated with 7,696 responses, diatribes and one 174-page doctoral thesis on the topic. The majority favored keeping the no-cell rule, according to the Associated Press. Businesses, concerned about traveling workers’ productivity, favored overturning the rule.

If the FAA can prove that Blackberries and text messaging don’t pose a danger to navigation systems or security, they should be allowed. Truth is, many passengers already sneak and use them anyway, despite the rules.

I have no problem with sky marshals, flight attendants and cockpit crew being authorized to use cell phones in emergencies.

But for the rest of us, when it comes to flying, silence is golden.