She needs help letting go of 14-year anger

Dear Annie: I was married to my husband for 30 years. He was an airline pilot, and he left me for a stewardess. (Yes, the clichés are sometimes true.) He never once said he was sorry or even explained his feelings. He just said he wanted a divorce. I’ve spent years trying to conceal my anguish, and went to counseling, support groups and the like.

Now that I have grandchildren, they ask a lot of questions about their grandfather, and I refuse to lie to them. When they ask if I like PaPa, I say yes because he is the father of my children. But when they ask if I like his wife, I say no. It’s the truth. The two of them committed adultery, and when we went to court to arrange alimony, she sat next to him, protecting her “assets.”

A few months ago, my 6-year-old granddaughter told PaPa that she had a secret. It was that “she” (the other woman) took PaPa away from Grandma. PaPa called my daughter and told her, and then everyone attacked me. Of course, my granddaughter knows that PaPa and I were once married, but I honestly do not know where she got this “secret.” I have never once said such words. Children are pretty savvy nowadays, and somehow she put it together herself.

I asked my daughter for an apology for the accusation, and while my ex-husband and I have not spoken since the divorce, he blasted me with a horrible e-mail, saying, “Shame on you.” I know I have to get over my hostile feelings toward them, but I cannot. It’s been 14 years, and I’m still angry. Do I have to tell the grandchildren that I like their stepgrandmother? – Troubled and Hurt

Dear Troubled: You don’t have to say you like her, but you don’t have to give a negative impression, either. When asked, reply neutrally, “She makes PaPa happy.” Your grandchildren can pick up on your hostility whether you express it verbally or not, and it doesn’t help for them to believe that their grandparents hate each other.

After 14 years, you have not managed to let go of your anger toward your husband for leaving, nor have you accepted that there is no satisfying explanation for the divorce. Whatever counseling you received didn’t do enough. Please go back.

Dear Annie: I feel that your advice to “Legal Assistant,” whose boss has an odor problem, was off base. You suggested that air fresheners around the office would help. While this may alleviate their noses, it is not going to solve the problem.

I, too, had to deal with a colleague who had body odor. One day, I took her aside and gently let her know that she may need to change soaps or deodorant. “Legal Assistant” needs to bite the bullet and tell the man tactfully that he smells. Though there may be awkwardness, I doubt that she will be fired. I know I would appreciate someone letting me know instead of talking behind my back. – Office Odor

Dear Office: We agree that the discreet, direct approach is usually best, but “Legal” was absolutely not going to do that. It is difficult, even under the best working conditions, to have that kind of conversation. Read on for more:

From Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif.: I volunteer in a large hospital emergency room. Whenever we have a bad smell from a patient, we put dry, fresh, un-perked coffee grounds in a container and place it where it is needed. The grounds absorb the odor, and we can all breathe again. This really works.

Minnesota: The only thing that takes care of body odor is a good daily shower and underarm deodorant. If a face-to-face statement is not possible, then an anonymous letter is needed.