Teaching kids to be thoughtful takes reminders
Dear Annie: My husband has two sons, ages 15 and 13, who live with their mother, several states away.
My husband has made every effort to be an involved father. The boys come for the entire summer. He calls often to discuss their lives and their grades, and he happily pays child support, on time. Sadly, his children utterly ignore him. Despite years of repeated requests, we still do not get copies of report cards or school photos.
His children do not call on his birthday, Father’s Day or Christmas. And we have NEVER received a thank-you note.
We have spoken to them about the importance of remembering these things, to no avail. It takes the joy out of every holiday for my husband. I am so frustrated by their lack of decency toward this man. I can’t bear to watch him look for cards in the mailbox and wait for calls that do not come. And I am tired of hearing everyone say, “It’s their mother’s fault.” When they were younger, we excused their behavior. Now, I believe it is their responsibility.
I want to really scale back for his boys this year, for birthdays and Christmas. Instead of wrapped presents sent with love and care, I think we should send a modest gift card. What do you say? – Wife of a Sad Dad in Colorado
Dear Wife: We think you are expecting too much from teenage boys. They often don’t remember special occasions and usually are too busy with their school and social activities to call Dad. Try e-mail. As for sending copies of report cards and school photos, get real. If Mom won’t handle this, your husband should call the school and ask for copies of these items. And if Mom didn’t teach the boys to send thank-you notes when they were younger, it certainly isn’t something that occurs to them now.
It’s perfectly OK if you prefer to send gift cards, but if you want to teach those children to be thoughtful and considerate, you must take the time to explain why these gestures are important and give them frequent, gentle reminders. This is how children learn, and the instructions don’t end when the kids turn 13.
Dear Annie: My dad is 61 years old, and he has high blood pressure, diabetes, a heart murmur and more. He is currently taking 18 prescriptions a day. For the last several months, all Dad does is sleep, sometimes 20 hours a day. Is there somewhere we can have his medications checked to see if they are interfering with one another? His current doctor just tells him to take the pills or he will die. – Concerned Daughter
Dear Daughter: Has anyone informed the current doctor that Dad is sleeping 20 hours a day? This is not normal. Also, we recommend taking all of Dad’s medications to his pharmacist. Explain the problem and ask about interactions. The pharmacist should be able to help you.
Dear Annie: Having survived cancer recently, I wanted to get this off my chest. When a friend or family member tells you they have cancer:
DON’T talk about all the people you know who have died from it. We don’t need to hear any horror stories right now.
DON’T think that you know more than the doctors do.
DON’T insinuate that the person’s lifestyle was the cause of the cancer, even if it is true.
DON’T tell everyone you know about your friend’s illness. It is a private matter unless they tell you otherwise.
DON’T quiz the person about the specifics. If they want to share this information, it will be volunteered.
DO offer encouragement and optimism. Help your friend keep a sense of humor and the ability to see the good in all situations. – Been There in North Carolina
Dear N.C.: Thank you for the wise counsel. Your list is excellent.