Derby lessons can help with Preakness pick
The Preakness Stakes – which I suppose is the second-most exciting two minutes in sports – will be run Saturday. No one’s sure who’s going to win because, as was proven again at the Kentucky Derby, nobody knows nothing about anything.
That’s why I love horse racing:
You put your money where your mouth is, although most of the time you have no idea what you are talking about. And after you’re wrong, you then reach deeper into your pockets several minutes later and make the same mistake again.
(The last time I had a Derby winner was 1973, when I cashed a $2 place bet on Secretariat that paid $3.20. I ate at Denny’s that night, and got dessert.)
(Despite my sorry handicapping skills, horse racing remains my favorite, out-of-fashion sport, next to bowling. I do prefer jockeys to bowlers – smaller appetites, better dressed.)
Anyway, as a public service, we’re here today to tell you which horse is going to win the Preakness. But first, let’s review what we learned from the Kentucky Derby.
We learned that Derby winner Giacomo, owned by music mogul Jerry Moss, was named after Sting’s youngest son. Which means that if Moss had produced any of Frank Zappa’s records, your Derby winner would’ve been Dweezil.
We learned that Afleet Alex, who ran third at Churchill Downs, has his own website and keeps an on-line diary. Incidentally, Afleet Alex doesn’t use a webmaster, he uses a websire.
We learned that you do not dismiss California contenders, no matter how unlikely or unprepared they may seem. Four of the top six finishers in the Derby came out of the Golden State. Take note, White House observers: California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger might run in the Santa Anita Derby in 2008.
We learned that “Beyer speed figures” are like barometric pressure – somewhat of a mystery to most of the public and not quite as reliable as, say, Punxsutawney Phil.
We learned that just because you enter five horses in a race, it doesn’t guarantee that any of them will finish higher than seventh. As trainer Nick Zito observed, “Great expectations can bring great disappointment.” I know this all too well, in my personal life; on the other hand, my ex-wives can’t speak to this, because their expectations, understandably, weren’t that great.
We learned that nailing the $1 superfecta – which is the first four finishers in exact order – can pay $864,253.50 when it includes a 50-1, 71-1 and 29-1 shot. Seven bettors nationwide held that jackpot ticket. Naturally, I wasn’t among them, not to mention my double coupon for Apple Cinnamon Cheerios expired the day before.
And we learned that, as majestic as those Twin Spires are, their view can be somewhat cheapened by cold, hard cash, in the form of newly constructed luxury suites at Churchill Downs. It’s all about luxury suites in America these days – next up, Mount Rushmore.
(Derby Flashback I: Asked by NBC’s Donna Brothers what he would say to trainer John Shirreffs when he first saw him after winning aboard Giacomo, jockey Mike Smith replied, “I’m just going to give him the biggest hug a man can give a man.” If that hug occurred, it would’ve eclipsed the previous biggest-hug-a-man-can-give-a-man record set on Oct. 3, 1995 between O.J. Simpson and Johnnie Cochran.)
(Derby Flashback II: Oddest moment of the NBC telecast came during a Titanium Turbo commercial when pitchman Matt Larrimore said, “There is not a guy I know who isn’t upset at the rising cost of razor blades.” Huh? Maybe the rising cost of gasoline, or real estate, but razor blades? Who’s this fellow hanging with? Heck, I buy a five-year supply of disposable razors at Costco every, oh, five years or so, and, frankly, I don’t think it’s setting me back a month’s salary.)
Anyway, on Preakness Day, my money’s on Afleet Alex. I love a horse that can read and write.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Why are the NHL and the players union still negotiating (Don Ellis; Seattle)
A. Because one day in the distant future, in an America far different than the one we know, people might actually want to watch hockey games on TV.
Q. Do I understand this correctly –John Franco is still pitching? (Jim Ridgeway; Harrisburg, Pa.)
A. What would you have him do, co-host “A Current Affair” with Tim Green?
Q. You sure do complain a lot. Is there anything you’re happy with? (Evan Monsky; Boston)
A. I enjoy long, romantic walks along the beach at sunset, though I’d prefer a video game that does the same thing.
Q. Following Bellamy Road’s seventh-place effort in the Kentucky Derby, do you think George Steinbrenner will make free-agent offers to the six horses that finished in front of him in time to own them for the Preakness? (Bob McDonough; Cleveland)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.