Find a way to keep clear of persistent ex

Dear Carolyn: I have an ex-boyfriend who doesn’t really understand the “ex” part even though I’ve made it plain that I have no intention of dating him ever again. He calls regularly to tell me he still loves me and ask when I am coming to my senses.

I am a grad student in the middle of nowhere, with no car and limited funds. I need to move from one apartment to the other over the summer, when the few friends I have here will be away.

I asked a few friends/cousins from home to drive out to help, and my father agreed to give them money for gas/food/hotel.

My ex-boyfriend, of whom my father is a fan for completely superficial reasons, subsequently offered to come help me move. I mentioned it to a cousin, as in, “Isn’t that ridiculous?” and cousin repeated it to father. My father now thinks I am selfish to be asking for other people’s time and money and should let my ex do the move. I can think of few ways to make moving a less pleasant experience, plus I think it would be selfish to take advantage of ex’s misguided insistence that we’re in love.

But, I have an apartment full of boxes and no money for professional movers. Help? – Middle of Nowhere

And I have a forehead full of keyboard.

You were right the first time, agh. Even in a life-or-death situation – or worse, a do-it-yourself move – there is nothing more selfish than exploiting someone’s affection just because it’s the path of least resistance.

Wait. There is something more selfish: Pressuring your daughter to spend time with a possibly stalkerish ex she doesn’t love just because it serves your own interests.

Either pay your friends’/cousins’ expenses yourself, in installments if need be, or rent a truck and move yourself; talk to your super(s) (and have a few 20s handy); ask your school for a living-expense grant; there is always a way. Because when you know something’s wrong, it’s always worth whatever it takes to say no.

Dear Carolyn: I know the answer already, but I think if I heard it from you, it might mean more. Should I try to get rid of a guy whom all my friends and family hate, I have broken up with countless times, but still sleep with? I have gotten rid of him before, many times, but he keeps coming back, and I don’t know how to make him stay away. Is it true you can get addicted to somebody? – Fort Collins, Colo.

No. It’s true that telling yourself you’re addicted to somebody is a neat way to deflect responsibility for avoiding something that you know you need to do but don’t because you don’t want to do the hard work. (And that punctuation is overrated.)

It’s also true that “hard work” includes admitting to yourself why you want this person. If it were just about his persistence, then you’d have figured out by now how to delete his e-mails and screen his calls.

Sometimes, what you want and don’t want can get lost in all the voices – his, family’s, friends’, evil twin’s. Be honest with yourself and heed that voice alone. When you know something’s wrong, it’s always worth whatever it takes to say no.