Sometimes moving backward allows for more progress

We get a good idea of how we are built when we’re put into situations that are challenging or cause us to go backward in our journey. That’s where I’ve been the past couple of months, and I’ve realized that I’m just not built for going backward.

I moved out of my marriage and house about a year ago. All was great as I slowly rebuilt my life on my own, one bed, dish and trinket at a time. Then the unexpected happened: I lost my job. I was getting used to not living on much, but when that was taken away, I found myself in a major pinch. My estranged husband then came to me with an offer I found hard to refuse. A job transfer brought him to the same area, so he was looking for a place. “How about I move in for a few months and we share the rent?” Hmm…

My first response was no way. It took so much strength to finally leave – wouldn’t this be going backward? Was the financial help worth the emotional toll of living together again? But I had to be realistic. We were still friends after all, and the benefits were obvious, so I pondered the pros and cons and finally decided it was doable – for a few months at least. Everything made sense to me except for the emotional part, which worried me. I knew how far I had come, but how would that match with where he was and where we weren’t anymore?

After some initial struggles with him invading my space, things started to settle. We had separate bedrooms and he was on the computer most of his free time anyway, so this was doable, right? He’s just a roommate, a good friend living here. We know how we convince ourselves to talk our minds into something our hearts aren’t sure of.

Soon, however, what didn’t work in our past started rearing its ugly head. My sister and close friends told me not to have any expectations, but this is impossible for someone I once loved and shared a life with. I found myself again wanting him off the computer even one hour a night to talk and hang out with, but he didn’t want that. I realized I had to look at our new relationship differently – treat him like a friend who was helping me, but separate myself more emotionally. That was a breakthrough for me, taking him and the situation for what it is and nothing more.

I’ve been feeling much stronger lately and I am letting go more each day. We want different things out of life, and a separation before divorce didn’t change that. I can’t go backward from who I am today. I thought we still could be friends, but my heart is telling me now it may not be possible for awhile. So we’re at the angry and resentful phase, and I don’t want to stay there. At vulnerable moments, I find myself wanting to be close, share a cuddle and be an emotional support for each other, but he doesn’t. He says he still loves me but he’s stuck. I can’t be stuck there with him anymore, though, because I’m not built like that.

Was it a mistake to let him move in? I don’t think so. We do what we think is best at that moment in order to survive. And that decision brought me to an even deeper resolution and peace that we’re not meant to be together.

I asked myself for years, “How do you leave family?” The same way you did when you grew up – you walk out the door with good times to remember fondly, and the not-so- good ones to grow from.