Region likely to warm to idea of ugly fashion
Get ready for an exciting new fashion look in the Inland Northwest.
I call it: “Round and Puffy.”
Or possibly: “Fat and Fleecy.”
Or possibly: “Shake Your (Goosedown) Booties.”
Yes, I am convinced that down coats and down booties will be all the rage come November, December and January, and I mean, indoors.
In case you hadn’t noticed, home heating bills are poised to zoom higher than Tom DeLay’s legal bills. Avista is asking for a 24 percent increase in natural gas rates for Washington and Idaho customers. Meanwhile, home heating oil prices are also expected to skyrocket to prices normally reserved for liquids that can be used for wedding toasts.
Did your utility bills make you weep uncontrollably last January? Well, you’ll be looking back on those with fond nostalgia when that Avista bomb arrives in the mail this January.
That’s why I think we’ll all be turning our thermostats down to 61 degrees and seeking fashion alternatives to natural gas. Here’s what we’ll be seeing:
The Layered and Lumpy Look: Last winter, layering meant wearing a T-shirt under a collared shirt under a nice Shetland wool sweater. This winter, I’m envisioning a T-shirt under a collared shirt under a hunter-orange down vest under a Harris Tweed blazer under an Old West “duster” under a Pendleton wool blanket. You’ll feel warm and cozy at your desk, and just as importantly, you’ll look fabulous.
Creative Headwear: Nothing says, “Look at me, I’m hot!” better than one of those camouflage hunting caps with the earflaps pulled down.
I am also predicting a boom in ski masks, even among those of us who are not attempting to foil the bank security cameras.
Finally, I think American women will, if belatedly, embrace the babushka. They’ll find out what Russian women have known for centuries: A heavy scarf tied under the chin may not scream, “I’m a hip, happening scenester!” but it does scream, “I am retaining valuable body heat.”
Enormous Footwear: It’s about time the down bootie made a comeback. Yes, they’re awkward and bulky and look like moon boots on Prednisone. Yet they will prevent your toes from turning blue while you are sitting cozily on the couch watching “Desperate Housewives.”
I also predict the return of those wonderfully cozy “slipper-socks.” These are thick woolen socks with a leather, moccasin-like sole. The popular “snowflake” and “reindeer” patterns will look especially nice when paired with business attire.
Retro Glovewear: Clearly, Fagin was on to something with the fingerless gloves. This winter, they will prove to be more practical than ever. They are the ideal solution to the problem: How can I keep my hands from stiffening up while entering data into my spreadsheet in a 58-degree room?
Battery Power: Heated socks, once reserved for use in the duck blind, will become a “must-have” for non-outdoor use, such as practicing the violin.
Meanwhile, pocket handwarmers will prove to be indispensable for other indoor activities, such as engaging in marital relations.
Which leads us to the key subject of …
Exotic Underwear: Long-johns will be the new lingerie. We will discover the timeless appeal of the union suit, as well as the more modern high-tech wonders of moisture-wicking Duofold tops and bottoms.
Business and professional women will discover one surprising upside to this underwear fashion revolution. They will no longer have to wear uncomfortable pantyhose. That’s because, under that smart black skirt suit, they’ll be sporting red flannel long underwear.
We’ve got the perfect name for that look: “Red and Hot.”