Stars show tacky selves
The entertainment world in 2006 was enough to make you long for a more genteel time – when ladies only flashed a mere breast to the public, not their entire nether regions.
When stars only offered befuddled looks and mussed hair after a DWI – not diatribes from “Mein Kampf.”
And when you were acquitted of murder, you enjoyed your good luck in relative obscurity – you didn’t write about how you would have done it if you did it.
But it seems the good folks in Hollywood have lost their moral center. Let’s hope in 2007, we can get back to better times, like when the paternity of a child was not the source of widespread media speculation, but handled with sensitivity and discretion – say, with an appearance on “Maury.”
Train Wreck of the Year: With all the chemically imbalanced, anorexic and bulimic Hollywood starlets showing their private parts to the world, how to narrow it down to just one lost soul? But it was hard to top the queen of the ick factor, Anna Nicole Smith.
We felt sorry for the tragedy of her losing her only son right after giving birth to a daughter, until she had a fake wedding ceremony where she rolled around in a wedding dress while her son lay in a morgue, then sold the last photos of him for a million bucks, then sold video of her C-section – all while fighting a demand for a paternity test from a man other than the one she says is her baby’s daddy.
The Reason Stars Have Handlers: Britney Spears. Whenever this girl gets an independent thought in her head, it seems to end up a disaster – not unlike her marriage to Kevin Federline.
From driving with her baby in her lap to her rambling, gum-smacking, mascara-smudged Matt Lauer interview to her panty-free escapades with Paris Hilton, it’s hard to believe it was once OK for little girls to look up to this one-woman calamity. For her kids’ sake, thank God she has nannies – and that the department of children’s services makes regular visits.
The Best Argument Against Child Stars: Lindsay Lohan. Few better illustrate the “curse of the child star” syndrome better than this former Disney sweetheart, who has become better known for her drunken partying, grammatically incorrect e-mail missives and her own crotch-flashing than her considerable acting skills.
Late in the year, she acknowledged that she’d been going to Alcoholics Anonymous for a year – but “I haven’t had a drink in seven days.” And she’s not even legal yet.
The Teflon Blonde: Paris Hilton. No matter what she does, and what public relations disaster she’s attached to, she always emerges unscathed. She gets arrested for allegedly driving drunk, and yet this former sex-tape star still manages the cover of wholesome “Seventeen.” Maybe Lohan should hire Paris’ publicist.
Breakup of the Year: Britney and K-Fed – not! That was two years overdue. The real shocker was watching Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s marriage crumble after more than a decade of drug use, embarrassing behavior, career sabotage and one child together. We thought they’d be together till death did them part – most likely from some OD.
Sure, we’re glad that Whitney is starting to look clean, but who will be there to jump in Bobby”s arms the next time he gets out of the slammer? That may have been the greatest love of all, y’all.
One Is the Loneliest Number: Jessica Simpson, who rose to fame with hubby Nick Lachey when MTV followed their “Newlyweds” bliss, was one of Hollywood’s most desired, glamorous, popular stars – until she took off her wedding ring late last year. Since then, the single Simpson has endured an album that flopped, a movie that bombed, being publicly eschewed by John Mayer – and being upstaged in the sexy department by her own cosmetically enhanced sibling, Ashlee.
Maybe she needs another reality show romance to give her career a shot in the arm. Last we heard, Flavor Flav might be available.
Why You Have the Right to Remain Silent: Mel Gibson blamed an alcoholic haze for his tirade against Jews and women after a police stop for drunken driving. Had he been sober, he would have lashed out against blacks and Hispanics.
Why You Should Exercise That Right: Michael Richards spewed a hate-filled, racist rant against black hecklers in a comedy club. An apology and a powwow with Jesse Jackson followed. But the only way he can really make things right is to digitally insert Gary Coleman, Bill Cosby and Urkel into those lily-white old “Seinfeld” episodes.
Most in Need of a Makeover: Janet Jackson. You’d think she would have learned from the Super Bowl thing that bare breasts are not her best asset. But after dropping a bunch of weight, Jackson appeared in various forms of undress to promote her new album, “20 Y.O.” – and she still had another flop on her hands. Maybe when she covers up she’ll go multiplatinum again.
This Year’s Chloe Bag: The Third World baby. Angelina Jolie adopted Zahara from Ethiopia, then Madonna snatched up a baby boy in Malawi. But Madonna seemed to forget that Zahara was an orphan; her new son David had a father who just couldn’t take care of him. Which doesn’t make Madonna wrong, but it certainly made her seem less sympathetic – and her condescending, cavalier attitude about the nature of the child’s circumstances didn’t make her seem any more motherly.