Sympathize; don’t accuse

Thu., Feb. 2, 2006

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar The Spokesman-Review

Dear Annie: Recently, a family friend stayed for a few weeks with my husband and me. “Renata” has had problems with drug dependence in the past and has been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, which she treats with drug therapy. She recently went back to her husband and children.

After Renata left, I discovered that several bottles of medication were empty, including strong narcotics that had been prescribed for my husband after an operation last year. Neither my husband nor I had taken any of the medicine, and no other visitors have had access to the cabinet.

We are completely stressed out about how to proceed. We don’t want Renata’s husband to decide he’s had enough and leave her, but we are concerned for her children. Should we tell her husband? Confront Renata? Any guidance would be appreciated. – Know Too Much in Virginia

Dear Virginia: Tell Renata, calmly, that after her visit, you noticed several rather strong medications were missing from your cabinet. Sympathize, saying you understand how difficult addiction is and if she took the medication, you want to help her, and you also are concerned about her children.

Renata may become angry, and keep in mind, it’s possible she didn’t ingest the pills, even if she took them. Either way, don’t argue with her. Offer her information on support groups like Narcotics Anonymous (na.org), P.O. Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409, or Families Anonymous (familiesanonymous.org), P.O. Box 3475, Culver City, CA 90231-3475 at (800) 736-9805. Keep in contact with her, and if you notice anything amiss, by all means, talk to her husband about your concerns.

Dear Annie: I am a single, working mother and recently hosted a graduation party for my daughter. My ex-husband and I worked together in order to show our daughter that we value everything she’s accomplished.

We chose a restaurant that had a wide range of prices. However, my sister and her family did not bring a gift or a card, and they ordered the most expensive items on the menu, including wine and a pricey dessert. They were the only ones to get the whole nine yards. They didn’t offer to pay for their extras, and believe me, they can easily afford it.

At this point, is it too late to say anything to them about it? I felt they acted very selfishly and took advantage of me. Any thoughts? – Used and Abused in Los Angeles

Dear Used: While it would have been gracious and proper for your sister to bring a gift, not to mention eat within reason, you cannot force guests to do either. It’s still possible that your sister will send a gift for her niece’s graduation, but we don’t recommend you invite her out for a meal without a bank loan.

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