Celebrities drag down skating spectacle

I suspect I am not alone in my attitudes toward figure skating. I look on it, or rather look at it, with a combination of awe, mystification and dread.

I’m awed by the dedication and athletic prowess of the performers; mystified by the minute, subjective quantification of the scoring; and filled with dread that I might have to watch it for more than a half-hour.

But just when I find myself nodding off, I’m usually shocked into consciousness by the audaciously garish costumes. As if skating to the theme to “Jurassic Park III” weren’t difficult enough, you have to follow the sport’s unwritten rule: Wear the tackiest clothes imaginable.

Most of the outfits look like they were lifted from some Siberian landfill where they dumped all of the polyester excesses of Soviet-era fashion.

But if there is anything more tedious than watching professional skating, it is watching bad, unprofessional skating. And that brings us to “Skating with Celebrities” (9 p.m., Fox). Clearly inspired by the hit “Dancing with the Stars,” this competition lacks that show’s sizzle.

Let’s face it: Something sexy happens to people when they move to a Latin beat. Fumbling around on a frozen rink just isn’t the same.

The sheer difficulty of gliding over ice on thin steel blades puts this a little closer to “Fear Factor.” The small doses of “humor” come from watching former Olympic decathlon star Bruce Jenner slip and fall with grim predictability.

While it was probably unintentional, the casting of “Skating with the Stars” offers a history lesson in the difficulty of mixing athletics and entertainment. The show features Jenner as a “star” and Nancy Kerrigan as a professional skater. Both Olympians tried their hands at show business and failed spectacularly.

Remember poor Kerrigan’s turn at hosting “Saturday Night Live”? And Jenner starred in “Can’t Stop the Music,” a 1980 musical comedy movie so monumentally unpopular it was arrested for the murder of disco (but later released on the grounds of justifiable homicide).

But I digress. If a has-been Ice Capades is your idea of entertainment, be my guest. The hopefuls include Jenner, Dave Coulier (“Full House”), Todd Bridges (“Diff’rent Strokes”), Kristy Swanson (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), Deborah Gibson and sports reporter Jillian Barberie.

I almost forgot to mention that “Skating with Celebrities” includes another annoying aspect to the cold-weather sport: endless opportunities to listen to torrents of platitudes from Scott Hamilton.

On the other hand, “Skating” is a monumental step up for Fox. It wasn’t that long ago that Kerrigan’s nemesis, Tonya Harding, appeared on the network’s train-wreck “Celebrity Boxing” special. And at least it’s no “Glutton Bowl.”

The two-part documentary series “The War That Made America” (9 p.m., KSPS) mixes interviews and historical re-creations to explain the significance of the French and Indian War (1754-1763), the conflict that established George Washington’s military reputation and set the stage for the American Revolution.

Other highlights

Back to the Balkans on “E-Ring” (8 p.m., NBC).

Auditions on “American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox). Here are some predictions: Simon will be harsh, Paula will be nice, and Randy will say “dawg.”

“Walking the Bible” (7 p.m., KSPS; Part 3 of 3) concludes.

A town turns toxic on “Criminal Minds” (9 p.m., CBS).

On two episodes of “Lost” (ABC), doubts about Charlie (8 p.m.,) and a jungle search party (9 p.m.).

A runway fatality on “CSI: NY” (10 p.m., CBS).

A gloomy scribe’s suicide seems suspicious on “Law & Order” (10 p.m., NBC).

The kids are gone on “Invasion” (10 p.m., ABC).

Cult choice

An investigator (Ian Holm) contends with unspeakable grief as he tries to make sense of a school-bus accident in the 1997 drama “The Sweet Hereafter” (4 p.m., IFC), directed by Atom Egoyan.

Series notes

Party planning on “Still Standing” (8 p.m., CBS) … A crooked cop demands a bribe on A shared musical obsession on “One Tree Hill” (8 p.m., WB) … Winners never quit on “Yes, Dear” (8:30 p.m., CBS) … Eyes fall from their scales on “The Biggest Loser: Special Edition” (9 p.m., NBC) … Unlikely tandems on “Beauty and the Geek” (9 p.m., WB).