Stop expecting to offer advice that gets ignored

Carolyn: In my group of friends, we have the “drama queen.” You know the type – every single thing that ever happens to her (good or bad, but 90 percent bad and 90 percent self-induced) is cause for major melodrama. Unfortunately, she is now facing a Real Problem, but from my perspective, the real problem is that we’ve all tuned her out. What else can you do when your daily conversations are about each horrible thing that befell her since you saw her last (read: yesterday), told in great detail and with much gnashing of teeth? Suggestions as to how she could improve her situation are met with great resistance. My question is, how can I be a supportive friend for her Real Problem without my blood pressure going into stratospheric range? I do care about her, after all. – Burned Out

I understand the blood-pressure problem. When people keep doing the things that keep making them unhappy, it’s a frustrating thing to watch.

So: Whose behavior did I just describe, your friend’s, or yours?

She complains, you advise, she resists your advice. Your rut is as deep and futile as hers. Her behavior says, clearly, that she’s not recounting her melodramas in an effort to find ways to change. So, stop listening with the expectation that you can help her find ways to change.

Instead, try treating her stories as she seems to – as an end in themselves. Be a supportive friend for her Real Problem by listening while she talks about it, and commenting sympathetically as warranted. “That must have been tough.”

If you think her dwelling on it is part of the problem, you can also say, affectionately, “Agh, not this again!” – arrange face and hands into Munch’s “The Scream” – or go completely radical: “Have you thought about ways to fix it?”

I realize not everyone has the stomach for stories like this or even friends like this. You may find you need to redirect some conversations, or even distance yourself.

At the same time, though, few of us flip on the TV to watch people deftly pre-empt conflict. If she’s a good storyteller, in her dysfunctional way, consider: It could be that you care about her not in spite of her magnet for drama but because of it.

Dear Carolyn: What is the fascination people have with their friends or other adult acquaintances being virgins? While on a double-date, a thirtysomething friend of mine once joked about being a virgin, and his date later said she would leave him on the spot if it was true. We all had a good laugh, although I confess I didn’t see the humor. When did virginity become a burden on the soul that friends show up out of the woodwork to help remove?

Sorry. Had to vent a bit. – Virgin(ia)

No apologies necessary.

Short answer is, when it comes to sex, Americans act like 9-year-olds. How else to explain so many preachers and so much porn.

Sometimes I need to vent a bit, too.