‘Dr. Mom:’ Kids need team effort

From households where both parents work to the pervasiveness of technology in children’s lives, parents today face a variety of challenges in raising their kids.

Fostering the parent-child relationship and building a child’s self-esteem are just some of the issues Dr. Marianne Neifert talks about. Neifert, known as “Dr. Mom,” is a pediatrician, professional speaker, author and mother of five adult children.

Q. What do parents today say is the toughest task they face raising their children?

A. People are afraid about the outside influences on their children.

There’s role overload, there’s the two-career family, and their lack of time alone is a challenge. But then you couple that with the kids hearing their music all day on their iPods, and they’re logging on the Internet and getting incredible experiences, but also placing themselves at risk. You’re not going to Sunday lunch at Grandma’s every week and having values reinforced. Aunt Dorothy doesn’t live down the street. That loss of the extended family network – those who are kind of like-minded and bolster your values and beliefs systems - I think that really is something that frightens parents today.

Q. How can parents become a more balanced team?

A. We’re far more aware of all the different forms that families can take, and I want us to honor all the different forms that families can take, to celebrate the unique contributions that a mother and father make in their own way.

Particularly when you have a two-parent family, the woman feels a role overload because she feels like she has the responsibility for everything about the children’s lives.

If we invited men to be more a part of that, they would reap the reward, and it would be a more balanced team. Let daddy plan the birthday party, let him select the gift, let him take the child to the doctor’s office, let him diaper the newborn, even if the diaper goes on backward.

There are also many fathers (that) because of divorce and because of single parents who are not involved. I think it’s a tremendous loss for them, and it could be the most gratifying role they play in life.

The single mom: That is difficult to have no one to “sign out” to. I want to congratulate someone for taking that on and tell them how important it is to get some other help … and to do their best to line up satisfactory male role models.

Q. Do you think families today are overscheduled, and what are some solutions?

A. I think a lot of kids are so scheduled that they’re feeling adult-like pressures at a young age. Maybe we should expose them to things, and then allow them to pick one or two passions to focus on.

Q. What’s the one thing that parents should do more of when it comes to their kids?

A. One thing is basically spend more time with them. I just think that we can’t love them enough; accept them for who they are. We need to hold them accountable. I think that’s really important to let them experience consequences of their mistakes. But also showing them that you have such power to think a better thought, take a different action and get a better outcome.

Q. What’s your stance on spanking?

A. I think we are a different society than we used to be.

I don’t think we had the drug and alcohol problems (we have now). The stress level in today’s society is off the map … so that people may be spanking when their judgment is clouded.

My own bias is that I think it’s better never to hit your child. There are so many other alternatives.