You chose him; end of story

Dear Annie: I am 33 years old and have two daughters from my first marriage, ages 7 and 5. I am now married to “Dave.”

My girls like Dave, but lately, he’s been worrying me. Once when I came home from work, I heard Dave say to my oldest daughter, “You worthless brat! Get your butt over here!” It terrified me to hear him talk like that to my children, and I stormed into the house and confronted him. He said he was sorry, and it wouldn’t happen again. I love him more than anything in the world, so I forgave him.

Two weeks later, I called my daughter from work and heard her scream. Then I heard something that sounded like metal clanging, and then she hung up. I rushed home and my daughter said, “Dave threw butter knives at me.” My husband said they were just playing.

I was concerned enough to place a tape recorder under the couch, and I turned it on when I left for work. When I came home, I listened to the tape. That’s when I discovered that Dave is abusive to my kids, both verbally and physically.

I love Dave too much to leave him, but I can’t put my girls in danger. I explained the situation to my ex-husband, and the girls are now staying at his house until I work things out with Dave. But I still haven’t talked to Dave. I told him the kids wanted extra time with their father. I’m afraid if he learns the truth, he’ll get angry and leave me. I don’t know what to do. How can I protect my girls and my marriage? – Appalled in Alpena

Dear Alpena: If you insist on staying with an abusive man, you must let your girls live permanently with their father, who will care for them properly. Under no circumstances should they be permitted to return to you as long as Dave is part of your life. You have chosen him over your children. End of story.

Dear Annie: I am quite upset with my mother. My parents are in their 60s and still socially active. I know they will not watch my sons, ages 5 and 9, on Saturday nights. However, a month ago, I asked Mom if she could take the boys because my husband and I would be hosting an adult dinner party in our home. She agreed.

Four days before the party, my parents accepted an invitation on the same date (it was a birthday dinner for a dear friend). She could not find a replacement, and neither could I at such last minute. My only solution was to keep the kids home during the party. I wish I could depend on my parents once in a while when I need their help. – Upset Daughter in Camarillo, Calif.

Dear Daughter: Not all grandparents will baby-sit. Surely your parents have other qualities for which you value and love them. Focus on those and start looking for a regular sitter you can count on. Mom’s not it.