Take risk; learn from it

Dear Carolyn: I just started dating a woman who isn’t right for me in the long run – she doesn’t want children and I do – but is awfully fun in the right now. She’s the first person I’ve dated since my fiancee and I broke up, so I’m in no hurry to cut it off. I don’t think she’ll have any difficulty keeping it light – in part because she’s much younger and has had only open relationships. I’m more concerned that I’m going to get inappropriately attached, as I sometimes have in the past. Are there any tried-and-true methods for keeping it light? If I ever think she’s starting to get hurt, I’ll cut it off right away. Now how do I keep from hurting myself? – Out of Practice

First, I’d stop believing there’s a way to outwit your nature. If you tend to get attached, assume you’ll get attached. Besides, you’re supposed to get close to people you enjoy dating.

So the tried-and-true that best applies here is not lying to yourself. By anticipating your weaknesses, you can make decisions that don’t test them quite so severely.

In this case, that could just mean admitting you’ll probably get hurt. The knowledge that it was your conscious choice to take a risk can be enough to soften the blow when it comes.

And if it isn’t? Then learn from it, just as tried and just as true.

Hello Carolyn: A friend of mine and I were chit-chatting the other day when she volunteered, out of the blue, that she was going through something difficult and emotional for her and was trying to work through it. She also mentioned, in the next breath, that she didn’t want to say what this difficult thing was.

My question: What is THAT about? Do you think she’s secretly hoping I’ll push the issue? – L.

Could be her turmoil has her feeling weird inside, and she assumed she must be acting weird on the outside, and so felt the need to explain.

Or it could have been so far at the front of her mind that it all just kind of fell out.

Or it could be she does want you to press.

So try it, gently, once. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk? I’m here if you need me,” and promise you won’t ask again.

Carolyn: I am dating (six months) a great guy I’ve known about two years. He is separated from his wife, and I am just wondering how much I should be asking about the divorce. I know they aren’t reconciling, she knows all about our dating, and they are still talking about how to handle things. I guess I’m just not sure at what point it’s not about me, but really just between them. – D.C.

If you know those things about them, then it’s at the point where it’s not about you, it’s really just between them.