Keep in touch, but use restraint
“Be sure to keep in touch” is a pleasantry that people used to be able to utter without fear of the consequences. But that was before the era of text messaging, unlimited long distance and Forward to All.
Now Miss Manners is afraid that those who receive constant barrages of trivial material from their entire acquaintance will revert to the decidedly less charming statement, “Write if you get work.”
Keeping in touch properly refers to different specifics depending on the relationship.
To members of the immediate family or household, it might mean, “Let me know what time you’ll be home tonight” or “Call me from the airport so I’ll know you got in safely” or “I know you’ll be busy, but we want to keep up with what’s going on in your life.”
To close friends, it might mean “Call me when you’re free for lunch” or “Have a good time and send me a post card” or “I’m always interested in your news” or “Let me know if you could use my help.”
To less intimate friends, it might mean “Let me know when you’re going to be in town” or “I expect to hear when you have family announcements – a birth, a wedding or a death” or “Yes, I’m glad to have your Christmas card.”
In none of these cases is the intention to open the way to constant communication, delivered stream-of-consciousness style without regard to the probable reaction of those on the receiving end. But even without that casual invitation to keep in touch, people are doing so with a vengeance.
They call their families when they are stuck somewhere and bored and assume others are free to amuse them. Or to inform them that they are about to board that airplane. Or they forward them all the jokes they have been sent.
They text message their close friends to ask them what’s up when they have just seen them and sometimes when they have them within sight at that very moment. Or they forward them all the e-mails other people have forwarded to them. Or they expect them to look at postings containing running accounts of their thoughts and their real and/or imaginary lives.
They send regular bulletins on their wedding plans, along with photographs of themselves, even to people whom they don’t end up inviting. Or they send baby pictures of the entire life cycle – sonogram, birth and growth up to the point when the child is old enough to refuse to cooperate. They send electronic cards not only at Christmas but for all sorts of other occasions, and the cards dance and make noise.
Miss Manners worries about relationships wearing down under this barrage of communication to the point where people will cease to pay attention, and the thoughts, milestones and photographs of friends and relatives will have little emotional affect.
She wishes she could persuade the writers how much less time and effort it would cost them, and how much greater the impact would be if they were to write an occasional note tailored to each recipient – and actually asking about that person in return.